Sustained long-term stimulation whether due to intoxicants or due to obsessive and depraved sex ultimately takes its toll. Mind goes numb and affects sanity. Nevertheless, time being a great healer moves on. Even the most painful memories gradually become bearable. The train that was suddenly yanked out of the rails was slowly getting back on tracks.
The physical injuries of Siddharth were healing but the trauma to his heart and mind was too fresh to mend quickly. The tumultuous events that wrecked Siddharth and Anitya’s life continued to play havoc toying with their nascent sensibilities. Initially, Anitya would often relapse back to a guilt-ridden state, cursing herself and remaining awake at night. Siddharth could clearly spot the pain in her eyes. He tried to reach out as often as possible and offer comfort but they were still tentative, at best. The gears of their life were unhinged and communications between them were laboured. The hurricane had left behind too many collateral damages in its trail and their life was still scattered in ruins.
It was Anitya’s brother Karan, who provided the much needed succour and help. He would often come over and both were comfortable having him around. He would be joking and trying to lighten the atmosphere. His maturity and intent made him a bridge between not only the bruised couple but also her parents who were trying to recover from this bizarre family turmoil. Had it not been for him, the last six months would have been difficult, too difficult. He, in his wisdom did not try to hasten things and allowed matters to gradually smoothen between husband and wife. To both, he was a brother and a confidant. He was aware of what had happened, but never pried. Anitya had haltingly, narrated him the whole thing, often feeling ashamed and distressed. Karan was stunned and greatly disturbed, but heard her without interrupting. Siddharth on the other hand was harsh on himself. He blamed himself for everything. He was apologetic and inconsolable. Karan could well understand his predicament and gently tried to assuage his guilt. Slowly, things were looking up. Thanks to their regular visits to the counsellor, Anitya and Siddharth were now communicating to each other much better. Karan was the single point of catharsis for the entire family and he was hopeful.
It was a Saturday and Karan was expected in the evening. Usually, he brought in a lot of food and groceries so that Anitya didn’t have to go out much and be with Siddharth. But today she decided to visit the grocery shop and stock up things. She found Siddharth in a vibrant mood and the weather was congenial. She helped Siddharth with his bath. This is what Siddharth enjoyed the most. During the bath, he felt really close to Anitya and enjoyed the feel of her hand on his body. Their physical relationship was still awkward and Anitya had become hopeless on bed. Siddharth had tried to establish the rapport despite his own pains and aches, but she just could not initiate love. In the first few days of Siddharth returning home from hospital, she would sob incessantly. Siddharth felt completely at sea and had no idea how to handle the situation.
Anitya fondled Siddharth’s head, “Siddharth, is it okay if I am away for about two hours or so, I got to get a lot of stores”? Sure, Siddharth replied, “but why don’t you just get the things on home delivery, that would be more comfortable for you”. Anitya smiled ruefully, just a few months back, she would be away from home for days together and she won’t even offer an explanation, and now……, but deep down she felt happy at Siddharth’s concern. “No, It’s fine with me. I will be back in a jiffy”, she replied.
She had prepared an elaborate brunch. It was enjoyable. Siddharth was feeling happy that after a long time Anitya was venturing out of the house. At the same time, he felt a bit sad that Anitya was asking for his permission. That was so odd. He looked at Anitya and said, “Don’t get too many things, just get the bare necessities”. Anitya nodded, again she felt a churning in her belly. I am going to get something nice, for him. After clearing the plates, she dressed casually in a long skirt and top, tied her hair in a ponytail (her short hair had grown, though not till the bra straps!) and set off for the Mall. She looked back and found Siddharth on the window, waving at her, smiling. She had an impulse to rush back and hug him. She felt deeply contended and became tearful. She waved back and walked away. She felt sad and happy at the same time, at her own emotional lability.
Being a weekend, the Mall was a little crowded. She felt peculiar. She felt as if it was years before she handled a grocery trolley. Everything appeared so alien to her. The store looked new and different to her as she started to move, as if in a trance. Slowly, she started gathering her things and soon the trolley was full. Although, Siddharth had asked her to purchase only the bare essentials, her home needed almost everything. It had been neglected far too long. Moving through the confectionery segment, she smiled to herself. Siddharth was fond of assorted candies, like a child. He would secretly fill his pocket with sugar candies and continue to eat one after another till he finished all. It was cheap but Anitya was sure that Siddharth would definitely enjoy. By now, her large trolley was overflowing. She proceeded to the billing section and paid by credit card. Again, she realised that her card was being used after six long months.
The counter clerk filled up 3 large bags and she found it impossible to carry them all on her own. Anitya was at a loss. She was stranded on the foyer. Suddenly a familiar voice behind her called, “Do you need some help”? She turned back and her eyes widened. She stood there like a stone. A lady was looking at her, her lips curled just a little at one corner as if smiling or was she smirking? Anitya stood like a robot holding the three bags, without a clue as to what she should do next. She panicked and wanted to scoot, but her feet were laden.
Anitya, she asked. Can I help? Anitya stared blankly, numbed at the knees. The woman came forward and picked up two bags and asked her, “Would you be okay with a cup of coffee”?
Avani! Anitya whispered.
In one sudden turn, Anitya was cartwheeled back to that fateful night when she had rushed into Sumit’s house only to find Avani there. The torrential rain that lashed that night was as forceful as was her own emotional upheaval. That night, it was Avani and her family that was preserved. Anitya had left, shamed and shattered, her life all but destroyed.
Anitya was re-living her agony again. For the last six months, they’d barely ever discussed about Sumit and Avani. Thanks to Karan, life was looking up, albeit slowly and she was feeling a sense of general contentment peeking through. Now, the predicament had resurfaced. What should she do? What was expected of her?
Avani sensed Anitya’s discomfiture. “People are looking at us, let us sit somewhere”, said Avani. Anitya nodded silently. There was a Cafe-Day outlet nearby. They lugged the bags and found an empty two seat table. The AC was effective and Anitya’s initial panic had lessened a bit by now. Once she settled down, she looked at Avani. Frankly, Avani had occupied very little space in Siddharth’s and Anitya’s life during their involvement with Sumit. To both, she came across as an older, self-centred woman concerned only about her own happiness and moving in and out of Sumit’s life. Anitya had felt seriously annoyed when Sumit had told them that she had moved out and staying with her boyfriend. Another occasion when she had met her in her home, she was aloof and moody. To make things worse, she had passed disparaging remarks about Anitya’s dress and undergarments. Only one thing, that had stoked Anitya’s curiosity was Avani’s acceptance of public display of photographs of Sumit’s former girlfriends. On that last night, she had also noticed Avani sporting short brown hair not unlike her own (and his other girlfriends!). That image made Anitya look up. Well, the short hair was now gone and looked a bit discoloured. But, the upturned corner of the lip still looked like a smirk as if ready to launch into some caustic remark. It was a bit surprising for Anitya to see Avani dressed very casually almost bordering on to disdain. Had it not been Avani, Anitya would have thought her dressing sense as shabby. She was slimmer, rather too slim. Sickly.
“Coffee for you Anitya” queried Avani. Anitya nodded. Avani brought two cappuccinos. They drank their coffee in silence. Both were uncomfortable. Finally, Avani gushed, “I am really sorry about Siddharth’s accident, I didn’t know about it. I heard it from Sumit. Believe me, I felt really bad”. Anitya looked up, not knowing how to respond. Avani continued, “I am also very happy that you two are together once again”. She paused and said weakly, “I mean as you both should be”. The silence once again became awkward. Anitya said, “Yes, thanks”. As an afterthought she added, “You have grown your hair?” The smirk returned and Avani said simply, “I don’t need to keep it that way any longer.” It was more of a statement than an answer. That’s true, Anitya thought, the matter was settled that night once and for all. “How about the kids?” Anitya asked. Avani looked disinterested, “They are growing up, they are okay.” Avani’s mobile rang, she picked up, “Talk about kids”, she said. Anitya could only hear what Avani said. It appeared that the children were at some water park with their father and they would return in the evening. Before Anitya could ask, Avani said that she had a lot of work to catch up with and so had to miss out on the outing.
They had finished their coffee and it was time to leave. Avani asked, “How are you both doing? Has Siddharth joined office and what about yours?” Anitya answered truthfully about Siddharth’s condition assuring that he should be fully fit to join office in about a months’ time and once that happens Anitya would decide about her own work space. Then suddenly on an impulse Anitya said, “Avani, why don’t you come to our place and look up Siddharth. I am sure he will be happy to see you. Of course, if you are busy, it’s different.” Avani looked uncertain but at the end she consented. The moment she agreed, Anitya was filled with uncertainty. She could not understand as to why did she invite her out of the blue. Somewhere during the time, they were together, Anitya had somehow found Avani not as intimidating as she had been earlier and so offered her the invitation. Still, she was in double minds. But the deed was done and accepted too.
Avani paid for the coffee in cash and they called an Uber. During the ride, both fell silent. While being seated side by side Anitya again could not, but be aware that Avani showed a degree of disinterest in her personal appearance and her dress sense but she didn’t dare ask her about it. Maybe she would say, “I don’t need to do all that any longer.” The last thing Anitya needed was any more sarcasm.
The Uber ride was short and as her home approached Anitya was getting tense. An unknown dread was engulfing her and she had no avenues of escape. What would she say to Siddharth and what would be his reaction. Surely, just by looking at Avani, Siddharth could react violently. For the last six months, they had avoided any discussion on what happened in not too distant past. But now? She glanced towards Avani trying to detect tell-tale signs of stress on her face but there was nothing. Only a calmness that Anitya failed to decipher.
The home arrived, Avani turned towards Anitya and squeezed her hand and said softly, “Maybe I shouldn’t have come”. And there was no smirk this time.
Their arrival had been noticed. While Anitya was paying the cab, Avani was getting the bags down. Someone was coming down the stairs to help them out with the bags. It was Karan sporting a wide grin. Karan’s presence and body language immediately instilled a quiet confidence in Anitya. Anitya’s predicament ended there. After all it was her house and she had a guest.
By now, Avani was ill at ease and her feet were laden. But Karan effortlessly eased the atmosphere and picked up the bags joking about its weight and remarking as to whether anything has at all been left behind in the Mall for others to buy or not. Internally, Karan was relieved that Anitya had finally shown inclination towards normalcy but he was a little surprised at the guest whom he did not know. But he hid his surprise well and welcomed Avani with equal sincerity. All of them were in the living room.
Now came the difficult part, Anitya had to introduce Avani and Karan knew about her well enough. He was aware of the night’s happenings. However, Anitya faced the situation bravely and introduced Avani as Sumit’s wife and a good friend. For a moment, Karan was stumped but recovered quickly. He spontaneously shook hands with Avani exclaiming, “Hey, I know you, Anitya’s been telling me about you. Great to have you here”. This put Avani at ease and she too responded warmly. Anitya explained to Karan about the unexpected meeting with Avani at the Mall. She suddenly remembered that Avani hadn’t purchased anything and asked her about it. Avani smiled and replied that she had just reached the Mall and found Anitya struggling with her bags and as things unfolded she completely forgot about her own purchases. Karan joked and said, “Why should you slog? Let the man do some household jobs”. Avani smiled, she was enjoying the banter. Anitya said that the Avani’s children were at the water park with their father and home responsibilities were conveniently left to the lady of the house.
The general atmosphere was light and it’s then Siddharth entered. He had come out of his room hearing the voices and directly came face to face with Avani. Suddenly, there was a hush and no one knew what to say. Least of all, Anitya. Even Karan fell silent. Avani looked at Siddharth and hugged him. Siddharth was initially hesitant but at the end reciprocated. Avani looked sad and said, “Siddharth, I never knew about your accident or I would have definitely come earlier. I did not mean to barge in like this but when Anitya offered I couldn’t refuse. I am really sorry. But God’s been kind, you’re looking good”. Siddharth was overwhelmed by Avani’s sincere words, “I don’t know why should you care about me, I don’t deserve it”, he said meekly. Avani was tearful, haltingly she said, “That’s wrong Siddharth, you deserve it the maximum, of all of us, but I won’t embarrass you any more, I must be on my way”. She then moved to Anitya and held her hand and gave a light kiss on her forehead and whispered, “Thank you so very much for this opportunity, thank you”. Recovering a bit, Avani walked to Karan, looked in his eyes and said sternly, “You got to take care of these two, will you, or won’t you? And now, can you find me an auto”. Karan smiled and said, “Surely I would get you an auto but after you have had dinner with us. As such no one is at your home. What’s the hurry”? The cloud completely blew over. Taking cue from Karan’s words both Siddharth and Anitya requested Avani to stay back, in unison. Avani’s voice was choked; she couldn’t voice it but nodded her head in affirmation and looked towards Karan. He too nodded his head.
Life raises its amazing head when you expect it the least. Out of the blue, a set of events unfolds itself whose course can seldom be predicted. Suddenly, the routine life that appears to have halted gets a boost and jerks itself forward. Every small incident has the potential to emerge as a prospect. An opportunity of hope and an occasion to rebuild relations. Sadly, the opportunities are lost and sometimes it goes unrecognized, because of human errors and tribulations. It’s the human mind and its alacrity that recognizes the seed and allows it to bloom. Otherwise, it simply withers away.
Why did Anitya go to the Mall and why did she meet Avani there? How and why was it timed such? Avani had no reason to talk to Anitya; rather she should have avoided it, given the past experiences. Animosity between the two of them would have been appropriate but there was more of sadness and understanding. Life teaches us to be expedient that draws a circle of possibilities without necessarily dwelling on the past. Unseemly happenings of the past often teach us lessons of practicality and tolerance.
Avani raised her hand, “Can I cook for you all”?
Karan too raised his hand, “Can I help”?
There was a sigh of relief and Avani and Anitya got busy preparing the meals with Karan helping around. Siddharth too offered to help but the ladies refused. Soon, the aroma of fresh food pervaded the house and everyone got hungry. Although the preparations were for dinner, Karan would off and on taste something and offer some derogatory opinion to great unhappiness of Anitya. Avani and Siddharth were enjoying Karan teasing Anitya. After a long time, there was a lot of laughter around. Since Siddharth and Anitya had an early brunch, by six o’clock all were fairly hungry and the food was hot and fresh. It was Siddharth who suggested that they have an early dinner.
The food was splendid and the menfolk audibly appreciated the efforts put in by the ladies. Although everyone enjoyed the meal, it was Avani who was really having a good time relishing each and every dish that was placed before her. The dinner ended with a sumptuous dessert and all five of them settled in the living room, fully sated. There was a general sense of fulfillment in the room and everyone was feeling better in many months.
Avani was the first to speak, she said, “I am so thankful to all of you. Honestly, when I came I felt that I was barging into you all. I had no business to be here. But again, I sincerely wanted to meet Siddharth”. True to his nature Karan interjected, “Seems like you are not happy to meet me Avani, it’s only Siddharth that you are happy meeting”. Avani replied quietly, “After a long time I had a good time and Karan, it was a pleasure meeting a vibrant person like you”. Sensing some sadness Karan quickly retorted, “Oh! I was joking. I agree, it was really nice”. They sat down for some more time and suddenly Karan said, “Siddharth Anitya, I think that you two should seriously think about a baby, after all I do want to be an uncle. What say Avani?” Both Siddharth and Anitya were taken aback by this sudden statement by Karan and even Avani looked a bit out of sorts. But Avani recovered first and said, “I think Karan is right, it’s overdue. And now I must be on my way, I’ve long overstayed my hospitality”.
Siddharth, who was generally quiet said, “Avani, it was so nice of you to have dropped in but please stay for some more time. I will request Karan to drop you home later and your children will be back by then. Won’t they?” “Yes, they would”, replied Avani. And then, as if on an impulse she blurted out, “Karan cannot drop me home, I don’t stay there anymore”. It was a bolt from the blue, even Karan, the ever-effusive person looked stunned. Anitya looked at Avani wide eyed, “Why Avani? What’s gone wrong”. Avani bowed her head, “Everything Anitya, everything, I am sorry I had no business to say what I said”. Siddharth looked shocked, “Would you tell us what happened”. Avani was still downcast, “There is nothing to say Siddharth, it’s all over, and I blame myself”. Anitya held Avani by her shoulders, “Blame yourself? Why Avani?”
Because, I am a bitch, Avani said in a small voice.
There was a dead silence all over, the atmosphere had changed suddenly.
After some time Anitya said, “I have made a decision”.
Siddharth was alarmed, “What”?
Anitya kept quiet for a while and then dropped the bombshell, “Today, in presence of Avani, I want to speak of everything, I”. Avani was thunderstruck, “Anitya, you don’t have to. Please. No!” Anitya looked at Avani directly in her eyes, “No Avani, I have to do it, I must. Will you be my courage? Will you speak with me”?
I can’t, Avani wailed, I can’t, she whispered and Siddharth came forward, “Yes, we must, let today be our day of reckoning”. Avani pleaded again, “No Siddharth, I don’t want to know; even you don’t want to know. The truth is too harsh, it can only hurt, spare me Siddharth and spare yourself”.
Everyone had become emotional but it was Karan who interjected, “Look, I have no rights to say anything but I think it should better be out than in and its high time that you are able to handle unpalatable truths. If it’s not done today, it will have to be done some other time and it may then be more painful”.
Anitya said, “It’s painful, I agree and I have thought about it for the last six months. I have realised that for a long time we were only bothered with ourselves. Our happiness, our jealousies and our pain. We had our small little perversions that our own fertile minds had created. Somewhere we just lost track of others who were equal stakeholders in this. We just ignored them to suit our own small conveniences. Today, it has suddenly become clear that we owe explanations to many more and most of all to you, Avani.”
Siddharth intervened, “She is right; I think we not only need to speak about us but also know how you were affected. Till today, I thought that we two have been hurt but now I am certain that I was wrong.”
Avani kept quiet.
Suddenly it was found that initiating this conversation was no easy task. Who would initiate it? Again, it fell upon Karan. He looked at Avani and said, “Why don’t you stay anymore with Sumit, what happened?”
Avani said, “When Anitya came to our house that night, I at once knew that something was wrong. I also knew that she wouldn’t have come in that rain, unless something was grossly amiss. But more than being concerned about her, my own survival instinct had taken over. I had just moved back and was trying my best for a reconciliation. The first thought that crossed my mind was that our own fragile relationship would shatter if I allowed Anitya to meet Sumit. So, I prevented her meeting Sumit and wanted her to leave. At that point in time, she really needed him but I got selfish and I turned her away. Anitya left and I felt relieved. But once she was gone, I wasn’t sure what I would tell Sumit. Maybe, she would call him up and I wouldn’t be able to explain to Sumit, what I did. I kept awake and worrying the whole night.
Next day, Sumit was near normal and did not ask anything. I was surprised but relieved. Obviously, he did not have any information. But my panic returned and I was constantly dreading Sumit’s return from the office or any call. Over the next seven days Sumit too remained disturbed and fidgety. He would constantly ring someone but he would not get through. During these days, I was making real efforts to be a good wife and trying my best to keep him in good humour. It appeared to me that the worst was over.
Finally, one day, he returned from his office clutching a package. He seemed to be in real distress. Somehow, I felt that this had something to do with her. Seeing him in that state I felt guilty and in the evening, I finally told him about Anitya’s visit. I apologised but he said nothing. He went back to his bedroom.
Next morning, he came down for breakfast and sat down. As I served him, he calmly told me that he needed to discuss things with me. I was anxious but he did not show any anger. He said that he was very disappointed with what I had done and all levels of trust and faith between us had finally collapsed. He explained that he had given me ample opportunity to start afresh but I had been most irresponsible, selfish and hidden facts from him that I should have been communicated to him immediately. At the end, he said with some sadness that I must leave his house as soon as possible.”
Anitya was stunned but Karan was enraged, “And you didn’t say anything?”
Avani said, “Yes, I did, I tried to explain but nothing worked. Somehow, I too realised that there was no point in pursuing it. He had decided and it was final. I thought about the children but felt that they would be looked after better here. So, I re-packed the bag I had brought a week back and as I was going out Sumit told me that he would support me financially and I could visit the children whenever I wished.
For the first time, I felt that I should say something. I said, Sumit, I have enough money and I can look after myself. Don’t worry about me. Look after the kids because they may miss me and thank you for letting me see them sometimes. And I left.”
Anitya said, “We had heard about your boyfriend. He must have got surprised when you moved back.”
Avani laughed, “Okay, that’s interesting. But you may be surprised to know that there is no boyfriend. There never was. When I had left the house for the first time, I had stayed with my parents at Thane. But it was not comfortable because they were themselves unhappy about my moving out and they felt that I was being a poor mother to the children.”
Siddharth finally asked, “But, why did you leave him earlier. All through it we had felt that you had unilaterally left him and we felt sympathetic towards Sumit.”
Avani said, “Siddharth. You are not wrong. I was being difficult because I was losing him. The writing was on the wall and I was desperate. Girls flocked to him but I was his wife. I knew about his affairs because girls were like moths attracted to fire. And he adored the attention, openly. Still, I knew that he would come back to me if I put pressure. And, he always did.”
Avani was calm and composed, she continued, “Sumit had a gym that I frequented and he was the most sought-after guy and had never-ending affairs. Girls would just throw themselves at him. Though he chose girls and discarded them at random, he remained immensely popular. Even I, was not immune to his charms. He wooed me like no other and one day, to my utter surprise, he proposed. How could I refuse? The ultimate dream man was going to be mine. Many girls were jealous and spread horrible rumours about me. But I didn’t care.
I was in my final year when I married him and dropped out of college. My parents were very upset. I was in seventh heaven and I loved him. He was my trophy husband and I felt so nice being with him and flouting him. He too loved me and looked after me.
He was hardworking and dedicated to his gym that was doing well. Then our children came and slowly he started losing interest in me. I also immersed myself in the family and it was then his affairs re-started. Since college days I had short brown hair and he was really attracted to it. One day, I suddenly saw him with a younger girl who was sporting a very similar hairstyle. They appeared very close. He never brought her home.
Over the time he had affairs with large number of girls, all very similar, large breasted and with short brown hair. Initially, I felt really funny with the hairstyle fetish. I was the original and the rest were copies. At first, he would be discrete but later he was open. Still, he was mine and I hoped that he would get over it. I tried reasoning with him, but he wouldn’t listen to me. I was irritated and gradually became difficult and threw tantrums. I had hoped that this would make him understand his follies. For the first time, I left him for a week and stayed at my parents. But, it did send out a different message.”
She looked at Anitya, “I think, I should stop.”
Anitya replied, “No, don’t.”
She kept quiet for some time, “But, after you came, I was not so sure anymore. I was losing. Well, this thing with Anitya completely took me by surprise. I was ill prepared. First time, I met Siddharth and Anitya in the temple, I found her sitting close to Sumit with my children but Siddharth was sitting a bit away. I found her dress sense a bit inappropriate for a temple and she was sitting too close to Sumit. That irritated me. Subsequently, he called you both home without asking me and that really pissed me off. You all came and took over the house. I felt like a piece of furniture, expendable. Sumit was paying a lot of attention to Anitya. Again, I found her dress revealing. I was aware of what was happening because history was repeating for the umpteenth time. I wanted to caution Siddharth but it would have been very embarrassing for us as a family. I was completely ignored by all for being a poor grumpy sport.
Next day, we had a major fight and that’s when I decided to leave home and go back to my parent’s place which was construed as moving to my boyfriend’s place. No one even spared a thought even once that being married for so long, having children and by and large confined to home, was it really possible for me to have a boyfriend? Especially when Sumit was my trophy husband. Nevertheless, I was the one who got discredited. Without being given a chance. It was unfair. I was annoyed and felt humiliated.
Away from home, I spent lot of time introspecting. I was really feeling sad about my children. Being away from them by choice automatically made me the villain of the piece.”
By now Avani looked distressed and agitated, “You know, I felt so bad about Siddharth. I could see Siddharth totally head over heels in love with Anitya and I felt curious that whether he was blind to what was happening. I felt a peculiar connect with Siddharth. Both of us adored our respective spouses but had no powers to modify the inevitable. It’s only later that I realised that I was wrong.
Even while I was away, I heard from different people about Sumit and Anitya having a torrid affair, whenever Siddharth was away. I heard that they would spend days together in my house and my bed. There would be people commenting upon Anitya leaving the house in broad daylight with her dress completely dishevelled and messy. I was sure that Siddharth was unaware of all this. So, finally, one day I confronted Sumit at our home and asked him point blank about him and Anitya. He was forthright and accepted his relationship with her and said that he was in love with her. I was furious and I told him that I would tell all to Siddharth even if it breaks their marriage. You know what he said? He said, “Stupid asshole, everything is happening with Siddharth’s knowledge. And he is the mastermind behind all this. He doesn’t care and he doesn’t deserve her. If I have my way I would not allow Siddharth to even touch her.” This news completely shattered me. This was the end. Like a robot I came out of the house. Sumit didn’t stop me even once. For him I did not exist anymore.
Then I saw Anitya coming. It was getting dark and she did not notice me. But I saw something. Her hair was like mine, short and brown. The cycle was complete. Neither I nor Siddharth had a chance.
Avani was calm and composed, she continued, “Sumit had a gym that I frequented and he was the most sought-after guy and had never-ending affairs. Girls would just throw themselves at him. Though he chose girls and discarded them at random, he remained immensely popular. Even I, was not immune to his charms. He wooed me like no other and one day, to my utter surprise, he proposed. How could I refuse? The ultimate dream man was going to be mine. Many girls were jealous and spread horrible rumours about me. But I didn’t care.
I was in my final year when I married him and dropped out of college. My parents were very upset. I was in seventh heaven and I loved him. He was my trophy husband and I felt so nice being with him and flouting him. He too loved me and looked after me.
He was hardworking and dedicated to his gym that was doing well. Then our children came and slowly he started losing interest in me. I also immersed myself in the family and it was then his affairs re-started. Since college days I had short brown hair and he was really attracted to it. One day, I suddenly saw him with a younger girl who was sporting a very similar hairstyle. They appeared very close. He never brought her home.
Over the time he had affairs with large number of girls, all very similar, large breasted and with short brown hair. Initially, I felt really funny with the hairstyle fetish. I was the original and the rest were copies. At first, he would be discrete but later he was open. Still, he was mine and I hoped that he would get over it. I tried reasoning with him, but he wouldn’t listen to me. I was irritated and gradually became difficult and threw tantrums. I had hoped that this would make him understand his follies. For the first time, I left him for a week and stayed at my parents. But, it did send out a different message.”
She looked at Anitya, “I think, I should stop.”
Anitya replied, “No, don’t.”
She kept quiet for some time, “But, after you came, I was not so sure anymore. I was losing. Well, this thing with Anitya completely took me by surprise. I was ill prepared. First time, I met Siddharth and Anitya in the temple, I found her sitting close to Sumit with my children but Siddharth was sitting a bit away. I found her dress sense a bit inappropriate for a temple and she was sitting too close to Sumit. That irritated me. Subsequently, he called you both home without asking me and that really pissed me off. You all came and took over the house. I felt like a piece of furniture, expendable. Sumit was paying a lot of attention to Anitya. Again, I found her dress revealing. I was aware of what was happening because history was repeating for the umpteenth time. I wanted to caution Siddharth but it would have been very embarrassing for us as a family. I was completely ignored by all for being a poor grumpy sport.
Next day, we had a major fight and that’s when I decided to leave home and go back to my parent’s place which was construed as moving to my boyfriend’s place. No one even spared a thought even once that being married for so long, having children and by and large confined to home, was it really possible for me to have a boyfriend? Especially when Sumit was my trophy husband. Nevertheless, I was the one who got discredited. Without being given a chance. It was unfair. I was annoyed and felt humiliated.
Away from home, I spent lot of time introspecting. I was really feeling sad about my children. Being away from them by choice automatically made me the villain of the piece.”
By now Avani looked distressed and agitated, “You know, I felt so bad about Siddharth. I could see Siddharth totally head over heels in love with Anitya and I felt curious that whether he was blind to what was happening. I felt a peculiar connect with Siddharth. Both of us adored our respective spouses but had no powers to modify the inevitable. It’s only later that I realised that I was wrong.
Even while I was away, I heard from different people about Sumit and Anitya having a torrid affair, whenever Siddharth was away. I heard that they would spend days together in my house and my bed. There would be people commenting upon Anitya leaving the house in broad daylight with her dress completely dishevelled and messy. I was sure that Siddharth was unaware of all this. So, finally, one day I confronted Sumit at our home and asked him point blank about him and Anitya. He was forthright and accepted his relationship with her and said that he was in love with her. I was furious and I told him that I would tell all to Siddharth even if it breaks their marriage. You know what he said? He said, “Stupid asshole, everything is happening with Siddharth’s knowledge. And he is the mastermind behind all this. He doesn’t care and he doesn’t deserve her. If I have my way I would not allow Siddharth to even touch her.” This news completely shattered me. This was the end. Like a robot I came out of the house. Sumit didn’t stop me even once. For him I did not exist anymore.
Then I saw Anitya coming. It was getting dark and she did not notice me. But I saw something. Her hair was like mine, short and brown. The cycle was complete. Neither I nor Siddharth had a chance.
Avani paused, “At that instant I hated my hair. Life went on normally for all, I guess though I was as good as dead. I had no sympathiser. Even my parents thought that I was really responsible for whatever was happening to me. Sometimes they would rebuke me for marrying without their consent and sometimes my mother would cry. I missed my children. I still do.
Finally, I could not control myself and I went back home and would you believe, I begged him to let me stay though half expecting to be kicked out again. But, Sumit let me stay. He looked like welcoming me. It appeared that something may have happened. Children were happy to see me. I too reconciled that I would not escalate matters, just to be with my Sumit and my kids. Somehow, I had a gut feeling that Anitya was not meeting Sumit for some days. I was hopeful. He had hardly been talking to me but he wasn’t rude either. That day Sumit came back from the party and he was happy. He went up to be with the children. Then it started raining heavily and you came.
Seeing your state, I knew that there was some trouble between you and Siddharth and I allowed my instincts to get better of me, I took advantage of the situation. Even today, I cannot forgive myself for what I did to you. It was so selfish of me to behave the way I did. Later on, I thought a lot about it and each time I honestly felt that I deserved it. How could I just simply turn out someone who had come for help. No, I was wrong. I don’t blame Sumit for what he did.”
It’s at this point Avani was at the verge of tears. Her self-control was under severe duress. But she recovered. All were silent. Anitya came up and held her hand and said weakly, “Avani, I feel like a criminal. How can you forgive me, us? Avani, you have suffered so much and you still blame yourself?”
Avani smiled and said, “Look Anitya, we are all victims of love. I loved Sumit and so could not tolerate losing him. It made me mad with anger and jealousy. Siddharth loved you more than anyone but he pushed you to Sumit, so that you could be happier. Your happiness was all he wanted and he was a victim of this love. Was it his perversion? Yes. Did he love you less? No. You fell in love with Sumit because he too loved you, but in your heart, there was only Siddharth. You may have momentarily forgotten that. It got hidden behind the immediate physical lust. You did not hurt me intentionally, but I hurt you knowingly.”
Siddharth said, “Avani, I think you are being too harsh on yourself. Under the circumstances any person would have reacted worse as compared to you. I just cannot imagine what you have gone through and your suffering isn’t yet over. Obviously, you don’t have a boyfriend and you are not staying with your parents. You have even refused financial help. How are you managing?”
Avani said, “Siddharth, I am sharing a room with a girl. She is nice and doesn’t bother me much and doesn’t ask a lot of questions. When I refused Sumit monetary help, I felt that I needed to stand on my own feet. The umbilical cord needed to be broken. Both from Sumit and my parents. Long-time back I had done a course of looking after special children. I am working as a volunteer in a school. Though I am a novice but I am learning and they pay me something that takes care of my rent and food. Being with these children in the school makes is an experience and I feel happier from inside and my own troubles appear unworthy. In them, there is only simplicity that I missed for so many years. Believe me, I am now much at peace.”
For a long time, there was silence. Avani’s story had deeply affected them all and they were just digesting everything they heard. For Siddharth and Anitya, Avani was never considered someone of any substance or consequence. But now they were attentive and had mixed feelings, one of guilt and sadness. Karan on the other hand was full of admiration and looked at her with great respect. All were looking at Avani and she sensed it. She was embarrassed and slowly got up. Karan asked her home address and the answer made his eyes widen. He was reluctant to take her there at night. Though not sure, the address appeared to be somewhere in Mumbai suburb. So, he proposed Avani to stay put for the night. Avani was embarrassed but Karan insisted.
Till now Siddharth and Anitya were not in a position to say anything but once Karan took over they too were relieved. Anitya took her to the spare bedroom. Avani sat on the bed and pulled Anitya by her hand and said, “You both have suffered enough, I did not want to add to it so I did not want to say anything. But the best part is that both of you are together and I pray to God that all terrible things that you have gone through would vanish soon. Like a dream.”
She then whispered, “Look, we have both grown back our hair. I no longer need to beg Sumit and you have Siddharth. The worst is over.”
She was tired and lay down on the bed and closed her eyes.
Anitya looked at her. She looked at this brave woman who was fighting the world against such serious obstacles. One who has been wronged but hasn’t lost hope and is forgiving. Anitya wondered, how could she do it? She has lost everything but is not breaking down. She could not help but admire her. She fleetingly felt that though her own role in Avani’s condition was enormous, Avani was not bitter about it. Anitya just couldn’t understand it. She looked at her again but she was already deep in sleep.
She put off the lights and came out. Siddharth and Karan were sitting as they have been the entire evening. It appeared as if a huge quake had shattered everything, all over again. The tornado had reappeared. Their beliefs and their ideas had been thoroughly decimated. They had no idea that how their indiscretions would adversely affect so many lives. Avani lost her family. The children lost their mother. Siddharth almost lost his life and Anitya’s parents were still not fully recovered from their emotional trauma.
With a heavy heart Siddharth and Anitya entered their bedroom. Both had been shaken and there was no solution in sight. Siddharth tenderly embraced Anitya and said, “Let’s have a baby and start fresh”. Anitya cried and hid her face on Siddharth’s shoulder. They sat together in the dark for long. Time appeared to have stopped. Suddenly, their door opened, it was Karan. He said softly, “Are you awake? I need both of you to come.”
They could not understand anything. Nevertheless, they came out and Karan silently pointed towards Avani’s room. They could hear muffled sounds. They silently entered the room. Avani was lying on her side facing the wall. Her whole body was wrecked in agony, sobbing relentlessly. Her self-control had ended once she was alone. Her body was shaking and she was inconsolable. From a distance she looked weak and defenceless. They stood, but did not know what to do. Finally, Anitya moved to her bed and sat with her. Sensing someone, Avani sat up, looked around and was embarrassed. Her restraint had failed her. She hurriedly tried to control her tears but they won’t relent. Embracing her strongly Anitya whispered to her, “Cry Avani, cry. If there is anyone who deserves it, it’s you.” Avani too held her and she cried.
She looked so vulnerable. Like a small child. These six months had taken their toll and the tears won’t stop. After what seemed an eternity, she controlled herself and said, “You know Anitya. I used to visit my children every week and take them out. But slowly they stopped enjoying being with me. I couldn’t take them to expensive places or afford food and gifts that their father could. After all, they are too small to understand but I could sense their disappointment. A few times I took them to my room, they were bored. Slowly, I reduced my visits. Yesterday after one long month, I arranged to take them out but Sumit arranged their visit to the water park. He asked me to come too. I was angry on Sumit. I insisted that the children should come with me. Sumit agreed. But the children refused. My son said that he didn’t want to have pav bhaji or dosas anymore. Not their fault, their choice was between a rich father and poor mother. They have chosen rightly.”
Avani continued to sob and said, “Anitya, I must tell you something. In six months, I had the best meal in your place. Thanks. This day with you, I will cherish forever.”
For the first time, Siddharth came forward and said, “Anitya, I want to ask you something. This evening has been opened my eyes, for me whatever I thought was right has been proved wrong. I seldom thought that my actions could ever have any other effect than what I desired. I never could see anything laterally. I asked you to let us have a baby. I honestly thought that the seed of love that we will plant will bloom and bind us forever, in an eternal bond that no one would ever break. But tell me Anitya, can that baby erase all that we have done. Can it eliminate the pain that we have inflicted, unknowingly? We need to think and do things for our own future otherwise it will come back to haunt us again and again. There will be no respite, no let up and no reprieve, if we fail to do what we should do now. Will you help me, Anitya?”
Anitya looked at Siddharth, unable to comprehend.
Siddharth looked at Avani and said, “Avani. Could you please give us an opportunity to be your parent figure; to look after you as one looks after a daughter; and to comfort you and make you safe? I am not good at saying things but I want to say something from a song I love that I will be your father figure and I have had enough of crime, I will be the one who loves you, till the end of time. We can dare not be your friend any more. We don’t believe ourselves as to what we might do again and Anitya, I wish to postpone the birth of our baby for some time.”
Anitya looked dreamily at Siddharth and squeezed his hand affectionately.
Karan came forward and hugged everyone, his eyes smiling.
Avani looked at them and burst out crying.
The light of the dawn seeped in through the windows.
The physical injuries of Siddharth were healing but the trauma to his heart and mind was too fresh to mend quickly. The tumultuous events that wrecked Siddharth and Anitya’s life continued to play havoc toying with their nascent sensibilities. Initially, Anitya would often relapse back to a guilt-ridden state, cursing herself and remaining awake at night. Siddharth could clearly spot the pain in her eyes. He tried to reach out as often as possible and offer comfort but they were still tentative, at best. The gears of their life were unhinged and communications between them were laboured. The hurricane had left behind too many collateral damages in its trail and their life was still scattered in ruins.
It was Anitya’s brother Karan, who provided the much needed succour and help. He would often come over and both were comfortable having him around. He would be joking and trying to lighten the atmosphere. His maturity and intent made him a bridge between not only the bruised couple but also her parents who were trying to recover from this bizarre family turmoil. Had it not been for him, the last six months would have been difficult, too difficult. He, in his wisdom did not try to hasten things and allowed matters to gradually smoothen between husband and wife. To both, he was a brother and a confidant. He was aware of what had happened, but never pried. Anitya had haltingly, narrated him the whole thing, often feeling ashamed and distressed. Karan was stunned and greatly disturbed, but heard her without interrupting. Siddharth on the other hand was harsh on himself. He blamed himself for everything. He was apologetic and inconsolable. Karan could well understand his predicament and gently tried to assuage his guilt. Slowly, things were looking up. Thanks to their regular visits to the counsellor, Anitya and Siddharth were now communicating to each other much better. Karan was the single point of catharsis for the entire family and he was hopeful.
It was a Saturday and Karan was expected in the evening. Usually, he brought in a lot of food and groceries so that Anitya didn’t have to go out much and be with Siddharth. But today she decided to visit the grocery shop and stock up things. She found Siddharth in a vibrant mood and the weather was congenial. She helped Siddharth with his bath. This is what Siddharth enjoyed the most. During the bath, he felt really close to Anitya and enjoyed the feel of her hand on his body. Their physical relationship was still awkward and Anitya had become hopeless on bed. Siddharth had tried to establish the rapport despite his own pains and aches, but she just could not initiate love. In the first few days of Siddharth returning home from hospital, she would sob incessantly. Siddharth felt completely at sea and had no idea how to handle the situation.
Anitya fondled Siddharth’s head, “Siddharth, is it okay if I am away for about two hours or so, I got to get a lot of stores”? Sure, Siddharth replied, “but why don’t you just get the things on home delivery, that would be more comfortable for you”. Anitya smiled ruefully, just a few months back, she would be away from home for days together and she won’t even offer an explanation, and now……, but deep down she felt happy at Siddharth’s concern. “No, It’s fine with me. I will be back in a jiffy”, she replied.
She had prepared an elaborate brunch. It was enjoyable. Siddharth was feeling happy that after a long time Anitya was venturing out of the house. At the same time, he felt a bit sad that Anitya was asking for his permission. That was so odd. He looked at Anitya and said, “Don’t get too many things, just get the bare necessities”. Anitya nodded, again she felt a churning in her belly. I am going to get something nice, for him. After clearing the plates, she dressed casually in a long skirt and top, tied her hair in a ponytail (her short hair had grown, though not till the bra straps!) and set off for the Mall. She looked back and found Siddharth on the window, waving at her, smiling. She had an impulse to rush back and hug him. She felt deeply contended and became tearful. She waved back and walked away. She felt sad and happy at the same time, at her own emotional lability.
Being a weekend, the Mall was a little crowded. She felt peculiar. She felt as if it was years before she handled a grocery trolley. Everything appeared so alien to her. The store looked new and different to her as she started to move, as if in a trance. Slowly, she started gathering her things and soon the trolley was full. Although, Siddharth had asked her to purchase only the bare essentials, her home needed almost everything. It had been neglected far too long. Moving through the confectionery segment, she smiled to herself. Siddharth was fond of assorted candies, like a child. He would secretly fill his pocket with sugar candies and continue to eat one after another till he finished all. It was cheap but Anitya was sure that Siddharth would definitely enjoy. By now, her large trolley was overflowing. She proceeded to the billing section and paid by credit card. Again, she realised that her card was being used after six long months.
The counter clerk filled up 3 large bags and she found it impossible to carry them all on her own. Anitya was at a loss. She was stranded on the foyer. Suddenly a familiar voice behind her called, “Do you need some help”? She turned back and her eyes widened. She stood there like a stone. A lady was looking at her, her lips curled just a little at one corner as if smiling or was she smirking? Anitya stood like a robot holding the three bags, without a clue as to what she should do next. She panicked and wanted to scoot, but her feet were laden.
Anitya, she asked. Can I help? Anitya stared blankly, numbed at the knees. The woman came forward and picked up two bags and asked her, “Would you be okay with a cup of coffee”?
Avani! Anitya whispered.
In one sudden turn, Anitya was cartwheeled back to that fateful night when she had rushed into Sumit’s house only to find Avani there. The torrential rain that lashed that night was as forceful as was her own emotional upheaval. That night, it was Avani and her family that was preserved. Anitya had left, shamed and shattered, her life all but destroyed.
Anitya was re-living her agony again. For the last six months, they’d barely ever discussed about Sumit and Avani. Thanks to Karan, life was looking up, albeit slowly and she was feeling a sense of general contentment peeking through. Now, the predicament had resurfaced. What should she do? What was expected of her?
Avani sensed Anitya’s discomfiture. “People are looking at us, let us sit somewhere”, said Avani. Anitya nodded silently. There was a Cafe-Day outlet nearby. They lugged the bags and found an empty two seat table. The AC was effective and Anitya’s initial panic had lessened a bit by now. Once she settled down, she looked at Avani. Frankly, Avani had occupied very little space in Siddharth’s and Anitya’s life during their involvement with Sumit. To both, she came across as an older, self-centred woman concerned only about her own happiness and moving in and out of Sumit’s life. Anitya had felt seriously annoyed when Sumit had told them that she had moved out and staying with her boyfriend. Another occasion when she had met her in her home, she was aloof and moody. To make things worse, she had passed disparaging remarks about Anitya’s dress and undergarments. Only one thing, that had stoked Anitya’s curiosity was Avani’s acceptance of public display of photographs of Sumit’s former girlfriends. On that last night, she had also noticed Avani sporting short brown hair not unlike her own (and his other girlfriends!). That image made Anitya look up. Well, the short hair was now gone and looked a bit discoloured. But, the upturned corner of the lip still looked like a smirk as if ready to launch into some caustic remark. It was a bit surprising for Anitya to see Avani dressed very casually almost bordering on to disdain. Had it not been Avani, Anitya would have thought her dressing sense as shabby. She was slimmer, rather too slim. Sickly.
“Coffee for you Anitya” queried Avani. Anitya nodded. Avani brought two cappuccinos. They drank their coffee in silence. Both were uncomfortable. Finally, Avani gushed, “I am really sorry about Siddharth’s accident, I didn’t know about it. I heard it from Sumit. Believe me, I felt really bad”. Anitya looked up, not knowing how to respond. Avani continued, “I am also very happy that you two are together once again”. She paused and said weakly, “I mean as you both should be”. The silence once again became awkward. Anitya said, “Yes, thanks”. As an afterthought she added, “You have grown your hair?” The smirk returned and Avani said simply, “I don’t need to keep it that way any longer.” It was more of a statement than an answer. That’s true, Anitya thought, the matter was settled that night once and for all. “How about the kids?” Anitya asked. Avani looked disinterested, “They are growing up, they are okay.” Avani’s mobile rang, she picked up, “Talk about kids”, she said. Anitya could only hear what Avani said. It appeared that the children were at some water park with their father and they would return in the evening. Before Anitya could ask, Avani said that she had a lot of work to catch up with and so had to miss out on the outing.
They had finished their coffee and it was time to leave. Avani asked, “How are you both doing? Has Siddharth joined office and what about yours?” Anitya answered truthfully about Siddharth’s condition assuring that he should be fully fit to join office in about a months’ time and once that happens Anitya would decide about her own work space. Then suddenly on an impulse Anitya said, “Avani, why don’t you come to our place and look up Siddharth. I am sure he will be happy to see you. Of course, if you are busy, it’s different.” Avani looked uncertain but at the end she consented. The moment she agreed, Anitya was filled with uncertainty. She could not understand as to why did she invite her out of the blue. Somewhere during the time, they were together, Anitya had somehow found Avani not as intimidating as she had been earlier and so offered her the invitation. Still, she was in double minds. But the deed was done and accepted too.
Avani paid for the coffee in cash and they called an Uber. During the ride, both fell silent. While being seated side by side Anitya again could not, but be aware that Avani showed a degree of disinterest in her personal appearance and her dress sense but she didn’t dare ask her about it. Maybe she would say, “I don’t need to do all that any longer.” The last thing Anitya needed was any more sarcasm.
The Uber ride was short and as her home approached Anitya was getting tense. An unknown dread was engulfing her and she had no avenues of escape. What would she say to Siddharth and what would be his reaction. Surely, just by looking at Avani, Siddharth could react violently. For the last six months, they had avoided any discussion on what happened in not too distant past. But now? She glanced towards Avani trying to detect tell-tale signs of stress on her face but there was nothing. Only a calmness that Anitya failed to decipher.
The home arrived, Avani turned towards Anitya and squeezed her hand and said softly, “Maybe I shouldn’t have come”. And there was no smirk this time.
Their arrival had been noticed. While Anitya was paying the cab, Avani was getting the bags down. Someone was coming down the stairs to help them out with the bags. It was Karan sporting a wide grin. Karan’s presence and body language immediately instilled a quiet confidence in Anitya. Anitya’s predicament ended there. After all it was her house and she had a guest.
By now, Avani was ill at ease and her feet were laden. But Karan effortlessly eased the atmosphere and picked up the bags joking about its weight and remarking as to whether anything has at all been left behind in the Mall for others to buy or not. Internally, Karan was relieved that Anitya had finally shown inclination towards normalcy but he was a little surprised at the guest whom he did not know. But he hid his surprise well and welcomed Avani with equal sincerity. All of them were in the living room.
Now came the difficult part, Anitya had to introduce Avani and Karan knew about her well enough. He was aware of the night’s happenings. However, Anitya faced the situation bravely and introduced Avani as Sumit’s wife and a good friend. For a moment, Karan was stumped but recovered quickly. He spontaneously shook hands with Avani exclaiming, “Hey, I know you, Anitya’s been telling me about you. Great to have you here”. This put Avani at ease and she too responded warmly. Anitya explained to Karan about the unexpected meeting with Avani at the Mall. She suddenly remembered that Avani hadn’t purchased anything and asked her about it. Avani smiled and replied that she had just reached the Mall and found Anitya struggling with her bags and as things unfolded she completely forgot about her own purchases. Karan joked and said, “Why should you slog? Let the man do some household jobs”. Avani smiled, she was enjoying the banter. Anitya said that the Avani’s children were at the water park with their father and home responsibilities were conveniently left to the lady of the house.
The general atmosphere was light and it’s then Siddharth entered. He had come out of his room hearing the voices and directly came face to face with Avani. Suddenly, there was a hush and no one knew what to say. Least of all, Anitya. Even Karan fell silent. Avani looked at Siddharth and hugged him. Siddharth was initially hesitant but at the end reciprocated. Avani looked sad and said, “Siddharth, I never knew about your accident or I would have definitely come earlier. I did not mean to barge in like this but when Anitya offered I couldn’t refuse. I am really sorry. But God’s been kind, you’re looking good”. Siddharth was overwhelmed by Avani’s sincere words, “I don’t know why should you care about me, I don’t deserve it”, he said meekly. Avani was tearful, haltingly she said, “That’s wrong Siddharth, you deserve it the maximum, of all of us, but I won’t embarrass you any more, I must be on my way”. She then moved to Anitya and held her hand and gave a light kiss on her forehead and whispered, “Thank you so very much for this opportunity, thank you”. Recovering a bit, Avani walked to Karan, looked in his eyes and said sternly, “You got to take care of these two, will you, or won’t you? And now, can you find me an auto”. Karan smiled and said, “Surely I would get you an auto but after you have had dinner with us. As such no one is at your home. What’s the hurry”? The cloud completely blew over. Taking cue from Karan’s words both Siddharth and Anitya requested Avani to stay back, in unison. Avani’s voice was choked; she couldn’t voice it but nodded her head in affirmation and looked towards Karan. He too nodded his head.
Life raises its amazing head when you expect it the least. Out of the blue, a set of events unfolds itself whose course can seldom be predicted. Suddenly, the routine life that appears to have halted gets a boost and jerks itself forward. Every small incident has the potential to emerge as a prospect. An opportunity of hope and an occasion to rebuild relations. Sadly, the opportunities are lost and sometimes it goes unrecognized, because of human errors and tribulations. It’s the human mind and its alacrity that recognizes the seed and allows it to bloom. Otherwise, it simply withers away.
Why did Anitya go to the Mall and why did she meet Avani there? How and why was it timed such? Avani had no reason to talk to Anitya; rather she should have avoided it, given the past experiences. Animosity between the two of them would have been appropriate but there was more of sadness and understanding. Life teaches us to be expedient that draws a circle of possibilities without necessarily dwelling on the past. Unseemly happenings of the past often teach us lessons of practicality and tolerance.
Avani raised her hand, “Can I cook for you all”?
Karan too raised his hand, “Can I help”?
There was a sigh of relief and Avani and Anitya got busy preparing the meals with Karan helping around. Siddharth too offered to help but the ladies refused. Soon, the aroma of fresh food pervaded the house and everyone got hungry. Although the preparations were for dinner, Karan would off and on taste something and offer some derogatory opinion to great unhappiness of Anitya. Avani and Siddharth were enjoying Karan teasing Anitya. After a long time, there was a lot of laughter around. Since Siddharth and Anitya had an early brunch, by six o’clock all were fairly hungry and the food was hot and fresh. It was Siddharth who suggested that they have an early dinner.
The food was splendid and the menfolk audibly appreciated the efforts put in by the ladies. Although everyone enjoyed the meal, it was Avani who was really having a good time relishing each and every dish that was placed before her. The dinner ended with a sumptuous dessert and all five of them settled in the living room, fully sated. There was a general sense of fulfillment in the room and everyone was feeling better in many months.
Avani was the first to speak, she said, “I am so thankful to all of you. Honestly, when I came I felt that I was barging into you all. I had no business to be here. But again, I sincerely wanted to meet Siddharth”. True to his nature Karan interjected, “Seems like you are not happy to meet me Avani, it’s only Siddharth that you are happy meeting”. Avani replied quietly, “After a long time I had a good time and Karan, it was a pleasure meeting a vibrant person like you”. Sensing some sadness Karan quickly retorted, “Oh! I was joking. I agree, it was really nice”. They sat down for some more time and suddenly Karan said, “Siddharth Anitya, I think that you two should seriously think about a baby, after all I do want to be an uncle. What say Avani?” Both Siddharth and Anitya were taken aback by this sudden statement by Karan and even Avani looked a bit out of sorts. But Avani recovered first and said, “I think Karan is right, it’s overdue. And now I must be on my way, I’ve long overstayed my hospitality”.
Siddharth, who was generally quiet said, “Avani, it was so nice of you to have dropped in but please stay for some more time. I will request Karan to drop you home later and your children will be back by then. Won’t they?” “Yes, they would”, replied Avani. And then, as if on an impulse she blurted out, “Karan cannot drop me home, I don’t stay there anymore”. It was a bolt from the blue, even Karan, the ever-effusive person looked stunned. Anitya looked at Avani wide eyed, “Why Avani? What’s gone wrong”. Avani bowed her head, “Everything Anitya, everything, I am sorry I had no business to say what I said”. Siddharth looked shocked, “Would you tell us what happened”. Avani was still downcast, “There is nothing to say Siddharth, it’s all over, and I blame myself”. Anitya held Avani by her shoulders, “Blame yourself? Why Avani?”
Because, I am a bitch, Avani said in a small voice.
There was a dead silence all over, the atmosphere had changed suddenly.
After some time Anitya said, “I have made a decision”.
Siddharth was alarmed, “What”?
Anitya kept quiet for a while and then dropped the bombshell, “Today, in presence of Avani, I want to speak of everything, I”. Avani was thunderstruck, “Anitya, you don’t have to. Please. No!” Anitya looked at Avani directly in her eyes, “No Avani, I have to do it, I must. Will you be my courage? Will you speak with me”?
I can’t, Avani wailed, I can’t, she whispered and Siddharth came forward, “Yes, we must, let today be our day of reckoning”. Avani pleaded again, “No Siddharth, I don’t want to know; even you don’t want to know. The truth is too harsh, it can only hurt, spare me Siddharth and spare yourself”.
Everyone had become emotional but it was Karan who interjected, “Look, I have no rights to say anything but I think it should better be out than in and its high time that you are able to handle unpalatable truths. If it’s not done today, it will have to be done some other time and it may then be more painful”.
Anitya said, “It’s painful, I agree and I have thought about it for the last six months. I have realised that for a long time we were only bothered with ourselves. Our happiness, our jealousies and our pain. We had our small little perversions that our own fertile minds had created. Somewhere we just lost track of others who were equal stakeholders in this. We just ignored them to suit our own small conveniences. Today, it has suddenly become clear that we owe explanations to many more and most of all to you, Avani.”
Siddharth intervened, “She is right; I think we not only need to speak about us but also know how you were affected. Till today, I thought that we two have been hurt but now I am certain that I was wrong.”
Avani kept quiet.
Suddenly it was found that initiating this conversation was no easy task. Who would initiate it? Again, it fell upon Karan. He looked at Avani and said, “Why don’t you stay anymore with Sumit, what happened?”
Avani said, “When Anitya came to our house that night, I at once knew that something was wrong. I also knew that she wouldn’t have come in that rain, unless something was grossly amiss. But more than being concerned about her, my own survival instinct had taken over. I had just moved back and was trying my best for a reconciliation. The first thought that crossed my mind was that our own fragile relationship would shatter if I allowed Anitya to meet Sumit. So, I prevented her meeting Sumit and wanted her to leave. At that point in time, she really needed him but I got selfish and I turned her away. Anitya left and I felt relieved. But once she was gone, I wasn’t sure what I would tell Sumit. Maybe, she would call him up and I wouldn’t be able to explain to Sumit, what I did. I kept awake and worrying the whole night.
Next day, Sumit was near normal and did not ask anything. I was surprised but relieved. Obviously, he did not have any information. But my panic returned and I was constantly dreading Sumit’s return from the office or any call. Over the next seven days Sumit too remained disturbed and fidgety. He would constantly ring someone but he would not get through. During these days, I was making real efforts to be a good wife and trying my best to keep him in good humour. It appeared to me that the worst was over.
Finally, one day, he returned from his office clutching a package. He seemed to be in real distress. Somehow, I felt that this had something to do with her. Seeing him in that state I felt guilty and in the evening, I finally told him about Anitya’s visit. I apologised but he said nothing. He went back to his bedroom.
Next morning, he came down for breakfast and sat down. As I served him, he calmly told me that he needed to discuss things with me. I was anxious but he did not show any anger. He said that he was very disappointed with what I had done and all levels of trust and faith between us had finally collapsed. He explained that he had given me ample opportunity to start afresh but I had been most irresponsible, selfish and hidden facts from him that I should have been communicated to him immediately. At the end, he said with some sadness that I must leave his house as soon as possible.”
Anitya was stunned but Karan was enraged, “And you didn’t say anything?”
Avani said, “Yes, I did, I tried to explain but nothing worked. Somehow, I too realised that there was no point in pursuing it. He had decided and it was final. I thought about the children but felt that they would be looked after better here. So, I re-packed the bag I had brought a week back and as I was going out Sumit told me that he would support me financially and I could visit the children whenever I wished.
For the first time, I felt that I should say something. I said, Sumit, I have enough money and I can look after myself. Don’t worry about me. Look after the kids because they may miss me and thank you for letting me see them sometimes. And I left.”
Anitya said, “We had heard about your boyfriend. He must have got surprised when you moved back.”
Avani laughed, “Okay, that’s interesting. But you may be surprised to know that there is no boyfriend. There never was. When I had left the house for the first time, I had stayed with my parents at Thane. But it was not comfortable because they were themselves unhappy about my moving out and they felt that I was being a poor mother to the children.”
Siddharth finally asked, “But, why did you leave him earlier. All through it we had felt that you had unilaterally left him and we felt sympathetic towards Sumit.”
Avani said, “Siddharth. You are not wrong. I was being difficult because I was losing him. The writing was on the wall and I was desperate. Girls flocked to him but I was his wife. I knew about his affairs because girls were like moths attracted to fire. And he adored the attention, openly. Still, I knew that he would come back to me if I put pressure. And, he always did.”
Avani was calm and composed, she continued, “Sumit had a gym that I frequented and he was the most sought-after guy and had never-ending affairs. Girls would just throw themselves at him. Though he chose girls and discarded them at random, he remained immensely popular. Even I, was not immune to his charms. He wooed me like no other and one day, to my utter surprise, he proposed. How could I refuse? The ultimate dream man was going to be mine. Many girls were jealous and spread horrible rumours about me. But I didn’t care.
I was in my final year when I married him and dropped out of college. My parents were very upset. I was in seventh heaven and I loved him. He was my trophy husband and I felt so nice being with him and flouting him. He too loved me and looked after me.
He was hardworking and dedicated to his gym that was doing well. Then our children came and slowly he started losing interest in me. I also immersed myself in the family and it was then his affairs re-started. Since college days I had short brown hair and he was really attracted to it. One day, I suddenly saw him with a younger girl who was sporting a very similar hairstyle. They appeared very close. He never brought her home.
Over the time he had affairs with large number of girls, all very similar, large breasted and with short brown hair. Initially, I felt really funny with the hairstyle fetish. I was the original and the rest were copies. At first, he would be discrete but later he was open. Still, he was mine and I hoped that he would get over it. I tried reasoning with him, but he wouldn’t listen to me. I was irritated and gradually became difficult and threw tantrums. I had hoped that this would make him understand his follies. For the first time, I left him for a week and stayed at my parents. But, it did send out a different message.”
She looked at Anitya, “I think, I should stop.”
Anitya replied, “No, don’t.”
She kept quiet for some time, “But, after you came, I was not so sure anymore. I was losing. Well, this thing with Anitya completely took me by surprise. I was ill prepared. First time, I met Siddharth and Anitya in the temple, I found her sitting close to Sumit with my children but Siddharth was sitting a bit away. I found her dress sense a bit inappropriate for a temple and she was sitting too close to Sumit. That irritated me. Subsequently, he called you both home without asking me and that really pissed me off. You all came and took over the house. I felt like a piece of furniture, expendable. Sumit was paying a lot of attention to Anitya. Again, I found her dress revealing. I was aware of what was happening because history was repeating for the umpteenth time. I wanted to caution Siddharth but it would have been very embarrassing for us as a family. I was completely ignored by all for being a poor grumpy sport.
Next day, we had a major fight and that’s when I decided to leave home and go back to my parent’s place which was construed as moving to my boyfriend’s place. No one even spared a thought even once that being married for so long, having children and by and large confined to home, was it really possible for me to have a boyfriend? Especially when Sumit was my trophy husband. Nevertheless, I was the one who got discredited. Without being given a chance. It was unfair. I was annoyed and felt humiliated.
Away from home, I spent lot of time introspecting. I was really feeling sad about my children. Being away from them by choice automatically made me the villain of the piece.”
By now Avani looked distressed and agitated, “You know, I felt so bad about Siddharth. I could see Siddharth totally head over heels in love with Anitya and I felt curious that whether he was blind to what was happening. I felt a peculiar connect with Siddharth. Both of us adored our respective spouses but had no powers to modify the inevitable. It’s only later that I realised that I was wrong.
Even while I was away, I heard from different people about Sumit and Anitya having a torrid affair, whenever Siddharth was away. I heard that they would spend days together in my house and my bed. There would be people commenting upon Anitya leaving the house in broad daylight with her dress completely dishevelled and messy. I was sure that Siddharth was unaware of all this. So, finally, one day I confronted Sumit at our home and asked him point blank about him and Anitya. He was forthright and accepted his relationship with her and said that he was in love with her. I was furious and I told him that I would tell all to Siddharth even if it breaks their marriage. You know what he said? He said, “Stupid asshole, everything is happening with Siddharth’s knowledge. And he is the mastermind behind all this. He doesn’t care and he doesn’t deserve her. If I have my way I would not allow Siddharth to even touch her.” This news completely shattered me. This was the end. Like a robot I came out of the house. Sumit didn’t stop me even once. For him I did not exist anymore.
Then I saw Anitya coming. It was getting dark and she did not notice me. But I saw something. Her hair was like mine, short and brown. The cycle was complete. Neither I nor Siddharth had a chance.
Avani was calm and composed, she continued, “Sumit had a gym that I frequented and he was the most sought-after guy and had never-ending affairs. Girls would just throw themselves at him. Though he chose girls and discarded them at random, he remained immensely popular. Even I, was not immune to his charms. He wooed me like no other and one day, to my utter surprise, he proposed. How could I refuse? The ultimate dream man was going to be mine. Many girls were jealous and spread horrible rumours about me. But I didn’t care.
I was in my final year when I married him and dropped out of college. My parents were very upset. I was in seventh heaven and I loved him. He was my trophy husband and I felt so nice being with him and flouting him. He too loved me and looked after me.
He was hardworking and dedicated to his gym that was doing well. Then our children came and slowly he started losing interest in me. I also immersed myself in the family and it was then his affairs re-started. Since college days I had short brown hair and he was really attracted to it. One day, I suddenly saw him with a younger girl who was sporting a very similar hairstyle. They appeared very close. He never brought her home.
Over the time he had affairs with large number of girls, all very similar, large breasted and with short brown hair. Initially, I felt really funny with the hairstyle fetish. I was the original and the rest were copies. At first, he would be discrete but later he was open. Still, he was mine and I hoped that he would get over it. I tried reasoning with him, but he wouldn’t listen to me. I was irritated and gradually became difficult and threw tantrums. I had hoped that this would make him understand his follies. For the first time, I left him for a week and stayed at my parents. But, it did send out a different message.”
She looked at Anitya, “I think, I should stop.”
Anitya replied, “No, don’t.”
She kept quiet for some time, “But, after you came, I was not so sure anymore. I was losing. Well, this thing with Anitya completely took me by surprise. I was ill prepared. First time, I met Siddharth and Anitya in the temple, I found her sitting close to Sumit with my children but Siddharth was sitting a bit away. I found her dress sense a bit inappropriate for a temple and she was sitting too close to Sumit. That irritated me. Subsequently, he called you both home without asking me and that really pissed me off. You all came and took over the house. I felt like a piece of furniture, expendable. Sumit was paying a lot of attention to Anitya. Again, I found her dress revealing. I was aware of what was happening because history was repeating for the umpteenth time. I wanted to caution Siddharth but it would have been very embarrassing for us as a family. I was completely ignored by all for being a poor grumpy sport.
Next day, we had a major fight and that’s when I decided to leave home and go back to my parent’s place which was construed as moving to my boyfriend’s place. No one even spared a thought even once that being married for so long, having children and by and large confined to home, was it really possible for me to have a boyfriend? Especially when Sumit was my trophy husband. Nevertheless, I was the one who got discredited. Without being given a chance. It was unfair. I was annoyed and felt humiliated.
Away from home, I spent lot of time introspecting. I was really feeling sad about my children. Being away from them by choice automatically made me the villain of the piece.”
By now Avani looked distressed and agitated, “You know, I felt so bad about Siddharth. I could see Siddharth totally head over heels in love with Anitya and I felt curious that whether he was blind to what was happening. I felt a peculiar connect with Siddharth. Both of us adored our respective spouses but had no powers to modify the inevitable. It’s only later that I realised that I was wrong.
Even while I was away, I heard from different people about Sumit and Anitya having a torrid affair, whenever Siddharth was away. I heard that they would spend days together in my house and my bed. There would be people commenting upon Anitya leaving the house in broad daylight with her dress completely dishevelled and messy. I was sure that Siddharth was unaware of all this. So, finally, one day I confronted Sumit at our home and asked him point blank about him and Anitya. He was forthright and accepted his relationship with her and said that he was in love with her. I was furious and I told him that I would tell all to Siddharth even if it breaks their marriage. You know what he said? He said, “Stupid asshole, everything is happening with Siddharth’s knowledge. And he is the mastermind behind all this. He doesn’t care and he doesn’t deserve her. If I have my way I would not allow Siddharth to even touch her.” This news completely shattered me. This was the end. Like a robot I came out of the house. Sumit didn’t stop me even once. For him I did not exist anymore.
Then I saw Anitya coming. It was getting dark and she did not notice me. But I saw something. Her hair was like mine, short and brown. The cycle was complete. Neither I nor Siddharth had a chance.
Avani paused, “At that instant I hated my hair. Life went on normally for all, I guess though I was as good as dead. I had no sympathiser. Even my parents thought that I was really responsible for whatever was happening to me. Sometimes they would rebuke me for marrying without their consent and sometimes my mother would cry. I missed my children. I still do.
Finally, I could not control myself and I went back home and would you believe, I begged him to let me stay though half expecting to be kicked out again. But, Sumit let me stay. He looked like welcoming me. It appeared that something may have happened. Children were happy to see me. I too reconciled that I would not escalate matters, just to be with my Sumit and my kids. Somehow, I had a gut feeling that Anitya was not meeting Sumit for some days. I was hopeful. He had hardly been talking to me but he wasn’t rude either. That day Sumit came back from the party and he was happy. He went up to be with the children. Then it started raining heavily and you came.
Seeing your state, I knew that there was some trouble between you and Siddharth and I allowed my instincts to get better of me, I took advantage of the situation. Even today, I cannot forgive myself for what I did to you. It was so selfish of me to behave the way I did. Later on, I thought a lot about it and each time I honestly felt that I deserved it. How could I just simply turn out someone who had come for help. No, I was wrong. I don’t blame Sumit for what he did.”
It’s at this point Avani was at the verge of tears. Her self-control was under severe duress. But she recovered. All were silent. Anitya came up and held her hand and said weakly, “Avani, I feel like a criminal. How can you forgive me, us? Avani, you have suffered so much and you still blame yourself?”
Avani smiled and said, “Look Anitya, we are all victims of love. I loved Sumit and so could not tolerate losing him. It made me mad with anger and jealousy. Siddharth loved you more than anyone but he pushed you to Sumit, so that you could be happier. Your happiness was all he wanted and he was a victim of this love. Was it his perversion? Yes. Did he love you less? No. You fell in love with Sumit because he too loved you, but in your heart, there was only Siddharth. You may have momentarily forgotten that. It got hidden behind the immediate physical lust. You did not hurt me intentionally, but I hurt you knowingly.”
Siddharth said, “Avani, I think you are being too harsh on yourself. Under the circumstances any person would have reacted worse as compared to you. I just cannot imagine what you have gone through and your suffering isn’t yet over. Obviously, you don’t have a boyfriend and you are not staying with your parents. You have even refused financial help. How are you managing?”
Avani said, “Siddharth, I am sharing a room with a girl. She is nice and doesn’t bother me much and doesn’t ask a lot of questions. When I refused Sumit monetary help, I felt that I needed to stand on my own feet. The umbilical cord needed to be broken. Both from Sumit and my parents. Long-time back I had done a course of looking after special children. I am working as a volunteer in a school. Though I am a novice but I am learning and they pay me something that takes care of my rent and food. Being with these children in the school makes is an experience and I feel happier from inside and my own troubles appear unworthy. In them, there is only simplicity that I missed for so many years. Believe me, I am now much at peace.”
For a long time, there was silence. Avani’s story had deeply affected them all and they were just digesting everything they heard. For Siddharth and Anitya, Avani was never considered someone of any substance or consequence. But now they were attentive and had mixed feelings, one of guilt and sadness. Karan on the other hand was full of admiration and looked at her with great respect. All were looking at Avani and she sensed it. She was embarrassed and slowly got up. Karan asked her home address and the answer made his eyes widen. He was reluctant to take her there at night. Though not sure, the address appeared to be somewhere in Mumbai suburb. So, he proposed Avani to stay put for the night. Avani was embarrassed but Karan insisted.
Till now Siddharth and Anitya were not in a position to say anything but once Karan took over they too were relieved. Anitya took her to the spare bedroom. Avani sat on the bed and pulled Anitya by her hand and said, “You both have suffered enough, I did not want to add to it so I did not want to say anything. But the best part is that both of you are together and I pray to God that all terrible things that you have gone through would vanish soon. Like a dream.”
She then whispered, “Look, we have both grown back our hair. I no longer need to beg Sumit and you have Siddharth. The worst is over.”
She was tired and lay down on the bed and closed her eyes.
Anitya looked at her. She looked at this brave woman who was fighting the world against such serious obstacles. One who has been wronged but hasn’t lost hope and is forgiving. Anitya wondered, how could she do it? She has lost everything but is not breaking down. She could not help but admire her. She fleetingly felt that though her own role in Avani’s condition was enormous, Avani was not bitter about it. Anitya just couldn’t understand it. She looked at her again but she was already deep in sleep.
She put off the lights and came out. Siddharth and Karan were sitting as they have been the entire evening. It appeared as if a huge quake had shattered everything, all over again. The tornado had reappeared. Their beliefs and their ideas had been thoroughly decimated. They had no idea that how their indiscretions would adversely affect so many lives. Avani lost her family. The children lost their mother. Siddharth almost lost his life and Anitya’s parents were still not fully recovered from their emotional trauma.
With a heavy heart Siddharth and Anitya entered their bedroom. Both had been shaken and there was no solution in sight. Siddharth tenderly embraced Anitya and said, “Let’s have a baby and start fresh”. Anitya cried and hid her face on Siddharth’s shoulder. They sat together in the dark for long. Time appeared to have stopped. Suddenly, their door opened, it was Karan. He said softly, “Are you awake? I need both of you to come.”
They could not understand anything. Nevertheless, they came out and Karan silently pointed towards Avani’s room. They could hear muffled sounds. They silently entered the room. Avani was lying on her side facing the wall. Her whole body was wrecked in agony, sobbing relentlessly. Her self-control had ended once she was alone. Her body was shaking and she was inconsolable. From a distance she looked weak and defenceless. They stood, but did not know what to do. Finally, Anitya moved to her bed and sat with her. Sensing someone, Avani sat up, looked around and was embarrassed. Her restraint had failed her. She hurriedly tried to control her tears but they won’t relent. Embracing her strongly Anitya whispered to her, “Cry Avani, cry. If there is anyone who deserves it, it’s you.” Avani too held her and she cried.
She looked so vulnerable. Like a small child. These six months had taken their toll and the tears won’t stop. After what seemed an eternity, she controlled herself and said, “You know Anitya. I used to visit my children every week and take them out. But slowly they stopped enjoying being with me. I couldn’t take them to expensive places or afford food and gifts that their father could. After all, they are too small to understand but I could sense their disappointment. A few times I took them to my room, they were bored. Slowly, I reduced my visits. Yesterday after one long month, I arranged to take them out but Sumit arranged their visit to the water park. He asked me to come too. I was angry on Sumit. I insisted that the children should come with me. Sumit agreed. But the children refused. My son said that he didn’t want to have pav bhaji or dosas anymore. Not their fault, their choice was between a rich father and poor mother. They have chosen rightly.”
Avani continued to sob and said, “Anitya, I must tell you something. In six months, I had the best meal in your place. Thanks. This day with you, I will cherish forever.”
For the first time, Siddharth came forward and said, “Anitya, I want to ask you something. This evening has been opened my eyes, for me whatever I thought was right has been proved wrong. I seldom thought that my actions could ever have any other effect than what I desired. I never could see anything laterally. I asked you to let us have a baby. I honestly thought that the seed of love that we will plant will bloom and bind us forever, in an eternal bond that no one would ever break. But tell me Anitya, can that baby erase all that we have done. Can it eliminate the pain that we have inflicted, unknowingly? We need to think and do things for our own future otherwise it will come back to haunt us again and again. There will be no respite, no let up and no reprieve, if we fail to do what we should do now. Will you help me, Anitya?”
Anitya looked at Siddharth, unable to comprehend.
Siddharth looked at Avani and said, “Avani. Could you please give us an opportunity to be your parent figure; to look after you as one looks after a daughter; and to comfort you and make you safe? I am not good at saying things but I want to say something from a song I love that I will be your father figure and I have had enough of crime, I will be the one who loves you, till the end of time. We can dare not be your friend any more. We don’t believe ourselves as to what we might do again and Anitya, I wish to postpone the birth of our baby for some time.”
Anitya looked dreamily at Siddharth and squeezed his hand affectionately.
Karan came forward and hugged everyone, his eyes smiling.
Avani looked at them and burst out crying.
The light of the dawn seeped in through the windows.
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