One month later
I am Shobha. I am working as maid and cook in this house. Sir and two children are there. Work is not very much. Children are well behaved. They eat what I cook. They go to School in the morning at 7 and come back at 2. I go to leave them at the bus stand and bring them back also. Then they take bath and I give them food. They like my cooking. I make rice, dal, bhaji and chappati. They don’t like dahi but I force them. Dahi is a must. Then they go to sleep. Sometimes they see TV, chupke, chupke. Sir has asked them not to see TV in the afternoon but I sometimes allow, sometimes only. Not daily, Ok? In the evening, I take them to the park. They play and I chat with Sona.
Sona also brings two children. She is working in another flat. She tells me so many things. Somethings are, you know, heehee. Then we come back home. Children have milk and something to eat. Poha and some days upma. Earlier they did not eat pav bhaji but Sir told to make it daily. First, they did not eat, now they do. Pav bhaji? So, nice. In Maharashtra, every town has Shivaji, Samvaji and pav bhaji, heehee. Then I make dinner. Children do their homework. Then Sir comes, I keep the food in the table and go back home at 7. Sir and children eat food together. Sir always says that after I have come, there is some system in the house. What’s system?
Sir gets up early in the morning. By the time I come at 7, he is ready to go. Sometimes I get a little late, I find him at the door looking towards the road. He leaves only after I come. Good, no? Always worried about children. He is very healthy, heehee. Very good muscles. Good looking also. But he stays alone. Madam has left him. How can Madam leave him like that? He is so handsome, heehee. Sona tells me so many things.
You know how I came here? I was going on the road minding my own business. I saw Sir coming down the road barefoot. He calls, “Bai, stop.” I stop. He says, “I am looking for a bai, do you know someone?” I say, “Why, you have some work?” I am looking for a bai, he says. He is so handsome. I say, “Okay you go, I will come and see your house.” Sir says, “you know the house?” I say, “yes, yes third floor, 302?” He says, “But, you will come, na?”
So, I go. House is just like any other house, what to see? One drawing, one kitchen, two bed room, two bathrooms and one balcony. Kitchen was good, modular, drawers moving smooth. Bone china plates, induction cooker, microwave and good chimney. Very less kachra in kitchen. Madam is good. Where is she? So, I ask, “Where is Madam?” Sir is quiet, then says, “She is not here, you see and tell. Will you work?” I say, “Sir, everything?” he says, yes and I settle the rate. He agrees to what I want. If Madam was there it would have been much less. So, I feel bad. I say, “Sir, I will take children to park and to school bus also.” He was happy. Sir is a little less practical. He does not know how to bargain. I am sure, Madam will come and reduce the rate. But she never comes.
That is 6 months back. Now everything is okay. System is there. Now I know what is system. Madam never comes. Two months back, I saw Madam. She did not come inside. Sir and children went to water park. She did not go with them. She looked beautiful but very thin. Zero size, Sir doesn’t like or what? Heehee.
But I know many things now. Sona tells me. There was some lafda. With some girl. That is so common. Sir is healthy and handsome. But why leave home? Then all is finished!
Nandan, my husband also tried this once. Stunt. He is a nice fellow. He wants two things. Daru and sex. Sex I give. If wife doesn’t give then who will give? He will then go outside, no? So, I give. Also, I give him daru. When I go back home I buy a small bottle. Okay quality, not country. He comes home, I give him his daru and food or mixture. He drinks what I give and asks more. I show him my eyes and he does not ask more. So, he is in control. But once I found him coming late two days together and he was not drunk. Where was he? I ask and he tells me some stupid story. I know there is some lafda. I press and he agrees. And he tries to be angry. Man, and all. So, what I can do? I take the Jhadu and give three nice whacks. And everything is very nice after that. This Jhadu is very good. All kachda can be removed.
Madam should have done that. But there are different systems in rich people. But what is the use, if it does not work?
One day, when I was new, one girl came to our house. Brown hair and very big, heehee, you know what! She looks at me and says, “Call your Sir”. I say okay, you sit. Sir was in the bedroom, lying down and looking at the fan sadly. What’s there in the fan, I don’t know? I tell him about the lady waiting. He tells me to give her a cup of tea and tell her that he is not well. So, I ask her if she wants tea? She says yes. I go to the kitchen and after 10 minutes come back and tell her that Sir is not well and there is no milk at home. I offer her water but she is annoyed and leave saying something in English. Funny girl!
I think sometimes Madam takes the children somewhere. I get them ready and Sir takes them in car and leaves them somewhere. Then he comes back alone. Whole day he lies down. Keeps looking at the fan. Does not eat proper lunch also. I made biriyani that day. He did not eat. He asked me to take that home. I thought it was not good. But my husband ate it all and gave me a kiss. He said it is good. Some problem somewhere. Then he will go in the evening and get the children back. They tell him what happened. He asks them many things. I give children food and they are tired. They sleep early. Sir goes back to his bedroom and keeps looking out of the window. Better than looking at the fan.
But something has happened. Children don’t go out much nowadays. I don’t ask them. Not good to ask about their mother. But Sir tells them to go but they say they are bored. What is bored? I think Sir works very hard. But on Sunday he is at home. Plays with the children and they go out for lunch. I also have a half day. But I feel bad. Children are small and no mother.
Sona says that Sir is very active. What active? She rolls her eyes and smiles naughty. She tells me, “You be careful!” I know what she means but what to do. Nothing has happened. I think Sona is wrong. All the muscle in Sir’s body is not working or what!! Heehee.
But he loves the children. One day the daughter has fever. I think normal only. But what scene he makes. He calls two doctors and sits with her for the whole night. His face was sadder than when looks at the fan. I tell him not to worry, this is normal fever. But he gets angry and shouts at me. I don’t mind. He says sorry.
Some other thing also has happened. This is really funny. Sir is writing something on paper. Daily he writes and cuts them. Heehee, he is tearing paper from his daughter’s notebook. She is so angry? He has to get her a dress to make her happy. I try to see and see what? So many things written and the lines are all tedha-medha. He should write on paper with lines!
I think it is a letter!
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The Letter:
Hey Listen
How are you? I am fine.
Never wrote a letter ever in my life except in school. Don’t know how to start it. Remember we had to start with Dear or Respected and then say I beg to state that due to urgent piece of work and so on.
I tried to write something. Dear is, ok but what next. People write darling, honey, babe but I really feel embarrassed writing any of them because I have lost that right. Forever. So, I wrote “Listen”.
Look, I know, you would say, why this? Yes, I don’t know. First, I thought, I will write you, ask for forgiveness and ask you to come back. But why would you accept it? Who will? For the last eight months now, you are gone. I have sent you away. We have met each other sometime but I could not tell you what I wanted to. So, I am writing this letter and it will be full of mistakes. I heard you are now working in a school, so it will be worse for you, as a teacher.
Remember? When I first met you outside your college, you were with your friend and I just bumped into you. You were so beautiful that I could not shift my gaze from your face. You had said hello and I had mumbled something. We met again. And I married you soon. You know, I, then was never comfortable with my popularity with the girls. I never understood why was it so. But I went with the flow till you came. I know, how lame I sound.
Okay okay let me not beat around the bush. I had too many drawbacks that I am not proud of. First and the most important, my inability to control myself in the company of girls. After our marriage, I tried to control it but I lapsed. Many times. Initially, I had you. But after our daughter was born, your sex drive had become lower. Your priority was more with household work and the children and I felt frustrated. Then these girls came. You were upset and we stopped talking. You withdrew sex from me. It was a punishment that I could not tolerate. It was worse because, I had alternative access to girls who were more than willing. I continued to slip. But, today I will say one truth, I did not love them. Through them I only chased the mirage of fulfilment that I could have only got from you. I think I should have spoken with you but I was never adept at it. But it was you that I always fantasized and many realised that. They tried to copy your hairstyle and even during the most intimate moments with these girls, I always consoled myself that it was you.
Secondly, my obsession with Anitya for one full year. Yes, I did fall in love with her. But how could I control it. You were aloof and I had my physical requirements. Anitya was a Goddess who came into my life. She was provocative and her husband pushed her to me. I had asked him if he was okay and he had said yes. Not once or twice, they continued this relation together with me for nine long months.
For them it was a social experiment tinged with perversion and lust. For me, it was love. I was deeply in love with her. I always wondered that why was this happening? I became a pawn in their experiment. Just a study subject. I was so much in love that I resented Siddharth. This was real. This was different from all other girls.By then you had given up your hopes on me. All the communications that we had were arguments and fights and I fully failed as a husband.
But suddenly, Anitya stopped seeing me. They started it, they fostered it, nurtured it and when their experiment soured they discarded me. And by then, I had lost you.
But my lessons were still not over. You came back and I should have grabbed the opportunity and moved on afresh but I met her again in a party where she wore my jacket and acted with similar passion. I was again confused and thought that I was getting her back. I realised very late that when things go wrong, one identifies the devil as God.
Then Anitya vanished, it was so bizarre. I was worried. It just didn’t add up and when you told me that she had come and you had sent her away, I was totally broken. I felt terribly annoyed at you. But what I did was worse.
You moved out. I know that you never had any boyfriend. That was my department. But I tried to find out your whereabouts. Listen, you stayed in a bloody ‘chawl’. That was a slap on my face. I should have gone and dragged you back but I had lost all rights. You don’t have money and will not accept help from me. Can you tell me, what should I do?
People are not wrong when they say I am the worst. Yes, I am the demon that people say I am. I am the beast with no heart, no compassion. But I loved you and I have lost you. My weaknesses and my selfishness has left me nowhere. I deserve the worst.
But I live on, because I see you every day in my children. Your daughter is becoming like you. She scolds me often and I sometimes feel that a young Avani is standing before me. Actually, the paper I am using to write this letter is from her copy and what a terrible scene she created. Your son misses you. He is too small.
I had felt really bad when he had said that he does not like pav bhaji and dosas and your face showed the disappointment. Unknowingly I have pampered them so much that now they feel bored, to be with you or dislike simple gifts. I was ashamed when they said that. I made sure that pav bhaji is cooked at home often. He now likes it a bit.
But don’t you ever think that I will call you back. I won’t because for me it’s over. You and I must move on. Forgive me if you ever can.
Goodbye.
Sumit
PS: You know, somewhere me and Anitya are similar. Our base instincts are too powerful. Once I had met her in a club on the verge of being raped by some random guy. I stopped them and then realised that it was actually with her consent. Siddharth was somewhere nearby and probably didn’t know. She gave me some cock and bull story. I have done similar things but never without consent. Still, one is a victim and the other, beast.
PS-2: It has taken me 8 days to write this letter.
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It is a Saturday. Today Sir is very cheerful. When I came, I found him on the door. As I came in, he says, “Shobha, today we shall cook biriyani?” I say okay. So, Sir goes to the market and returns with chicken and ice cream. I make biriyani and today he eats well and says, it is very good. The children are also happy. So much of ice cream Sir has brought. All types. He tells me to eat also. First I say no and then say yes.
We finish lunch by 1. Sir is in his bed room. He calls me. Today he looks happy. He says, “Shobha, listen carefully. You pack a big bag for the children. No, take two bags. Put their good dress and toys. They will go to their mother today. I look surprised. He says, “Don’t worry; I will drop you all where she stays. Now, get the bag, okay.”
I am surprised. Why bags? They will stay with Madam? What about School? Will madam come back? Good news, I think, Madam is very beautiful, and Sir is also handsome. Fire and Ghee. Why stay separate? At least for the children.
I pack the bags and get the children ready. They are also happy. I tell them that they are going to their mother.
Then I tell Sir that everyone is ready. Sir is thoughtful and then he says, “Shobha, listen. I will take all three of you where your Madam is staying. You take the children to her and tell that they will be with her. So, Shobha, you will have to help Madam with the school, Okay?”
I nod my head. Then he says again, “I have a letter for Madam, you give it to her. And when you go there may be other people but you call for Madam and don’t talk too much with others, okay?”
I nod my head again. But will Sir go somewhere?
So, at 4 pm we leave home in Sir’s car and we go for about 5 km and he stops. It is near to my house only. He stops and shows me a flat and says, “Your Madam stays there, take the children.”
I get out of the car with the children and Sir comes around and embraces them and gives them a 2000 rupees to each of them and says, “This for you. Buy anything you like. And be good.” Then he gives me also one 2000 rupees note, but I say no. He says take it, you also enjoy. So, I take. Then he says, bye bye.
As I go, he calls me back and says, “You don’t come tomorrow.”
I take the children to the flat and ring the bell. It is a nice big building. One Madam, very beautiful, opens the door. She sees the children and they jump to her and say, Anitya aunty! She looks at me. Confused. So, I say I have come to meet my Madam, their mother. She calls, “Avani, look who’s here.” She comes and sees the children and starts crying and holds the first baby to her chest and then the second baby and then the first baby again. I don’t know what to do. After a long time, she wipes her tears and asks me, “Who are you?” I tell my name and say I can go? They have school on Monday; Clothes and books are there in the bag; I can come if you have to send them to school. She says, no no, I will do everything. You have tea? I say No. So, what to do?
I give her the letter, it is a big envelope. Many papers in it. She is surprised and takes it.
I come out and see Sir is gone.
I go to my home.
Sumit: Saturday; 9.30 pm
Well the deed is done. I had a long talk with Keya, my lawyer, regarding the details. After all, legal papers must be beyond scrutiny. She confirmed that the papers that I have signed yesterday have been rechecked and everything is in order. Papers, property, bank cash, all. So that there is no confusion. Keya was a little unhappy with the terms and conditions. She wanted to come over and discuss. I dissuaded her. I would be alone today and it would not be right for Keya to be here. There could be complications later.
Incidentally, she is beautiful and has short brown hair, the way I like.
There was no way I could have persuade Avani to come back. I had myself closed all the doors. But, life must move on. There was absolutely no point in crying over spilt milk. No, there wasn’t. It would be best that Avani should be freed from this meaningless bondage. I had given a deep thought about it for the last two months.
I have been very unfair to Avani but the provisions that I have made should keep her afloat for some time. After that? Hopefully, she would settle down with someone. My story with her is over and I have clarified that in my letter. That letter writing was a pain. My daughter was furious about the pages. But it needed to be done.
Though I was initially very angry with Anitya and Siddharth but now that has lessened. Both of them actually loved each other and I got caught in between. Meanwhile, Avani, whom I loved, too lost out. Love is a very dangerous commodity; it makes us do stupid things that we later regret.
I feel nice that I was able to send the children to Avani. She must look after them now. I am catering for their finances. I have done my bit. After all, she is the mother. She is out of touch and when she comes to know about the papers, she will be shocked. She actually doesn’t deserve such complications but she will manage. What can I do? I think this is the best way. A poor effort towards redemption, eh?
I am feeling a bit sad about Shobha. I can’t keep her anymore. I have asked her not to come tomorrow. Hope Avani employs her. She really looked after my babies well and she is so innocent. I am sure she knows nothing about us. I have given her 2000 rupees. I wanted to give her some more but that would have looked awkward.
The children are probably having a good time. Are they thinking about me? Maybe not. Avani will look after them and as such I am no model father to follow. Still, I love them. Good that they are not here and it would be better for them not to know everything. They will be hurt.
I think, it’s time!
Avani: Saturday;9.30 pm
The children have fallen asleep and I have just read the letter.
It has been such a crazy day since morning. Today my school was closed and I had come over to Anitya in the morning. Though both Siddharth and Anitya had insisted (and continue to do so) that I stay with them but I had convinced them that I needed to stay near my school and it would be unfair to my roommate if I vacate suddenly. But for the last one month I had been regularly visiting them on weekends. The time I spent with them was cathartic and things appeared much under control. They needed time with themselves to sort out so many things and my staying with them would not have been advisable.
Sudden appearance of the children was intoxicating. I just could not believe my eyes. It was ‘a dream come true’. I literally went berserk and for a moment, at a complete loss; like a small child getting back her long lost toys. It’s only after sometime that I noticed the demure girl, Shobha, who had brought them in. She looked a little ill at ease and I let her go. Sensing that I wanted to spend time with the kids, Siddharth and Anitya too went to see a movie.
They have come back now.
The children won’t stop updating me. In one hour I came to know everything that had happened in last three months. They appeared to be very fond of Shobha. That was nice. I was relieved. My son informed me that Shobha makes good ‘pav bhaji’ and he enjoys them now. It’s my daughter who said that Sumit had dropped them here. I couldn’t guess as to how he came to know about me being here. Soon, they settled down with the TV (it appears that TV time is rationed for them).
But they also appeared to have grown fond of their father.
I read the letter. Over and over again. What could I say? Sumit has poured his heart out. I never knew that he could be so apologetic and so much in mental agony. So many things that he wrote about us made me simultaneously smile and cry.
Was it possible that during the days that I was aloof and didn’t speak to him actually worsened our disconnect? Did I withhold sex as a punishment? Did I give higher priority to the children and to the household duties over Sumit? Was he kind of forced to look elsewhere because I was unapproachable? Maybe, it is a matter of perception. But, had we communicated more, possibly things could have been redeemed, today I feel so.
I am little worried about certain things in the letter. The meanings are scary.
Perhaps he is confusing me because he is not good at writing letters. Still, some of his sentences are creating panic in my heart. He repeatedly says that he is a beast, a demon. I don’t like that. He also says that he will never call me back because he doesn’t deserve it. Why? If Siddharth and Anitya can get back why can’t we. I think Sumit is changing, the children are happy with him. Should I talk to him?
I think I’ll go to him. I want to give ourselves another chance.
He says at the end ‘Goodbye’. Is he going somewhere? Where? Is there someone new in his life? Does he want a divorce?
Is it too late?
Who is ringing the bell now? Is it Sumit? Has he come to take back his children?
Karan is calling me?
Why?
Is everything okay?
Shobha!
Shobha: Saturday;9.30 pm
Sir was very peculiar today. He gave me 2000 rupees. Just like that. Mad or what? He gave his children also 2000 each. Why? They don’t need so much to spend in one day. Their mother is there. She is nice. Sir is also nice. What is the problem? And he was so happy today. Never seen him like that. For the last 2 months, he looked sad but today he is happy. Extra happy! Good thing he did not look at the fan today. That is madness.
Wait, is that madness? There is something wrong. Why did he ask me not to come tomorrow? I am worried. What if...?
Hey you, sleepy oaf. Get up. We have to go?
Where? What do you mean? Shut up and do what I am saying.
What? I can’t talk to my husband like that? I will show you. Looks like you have forgotten.
Yes, that’s better. No need to change, come as you are.
Let us go.
Hey! Stop. Let me take Madam along.
Sir, we have to go immediately. Call Madam
Madam come, we have to go. Hurry!
Now! Madam, we don’t have time.
Okay, let him come.
Sumit: Saturday;10.15 pm
It’s so painful. But what choice did I have? This is the only way. Avani will feel a little bad. We were married for so long and she loved this beast. I also did.
Will anyone miss me? I think not. No one misses demons.
The family I destroyed have sheltered Avani. I could not. Wish I could thank them. But it’s too late for that now.
What am I blabbering? When will it end? Why doesn’t it end soon?
Why are my eyes hazy? Why do I taste something salty in my mouth? My throat pains. Am I crying? That’s new! I have never cried before! Good, it is good to cry.
Am I repenting?
I cannot stand any more. I will lie down.
I can’t see well.
Who is it? Is it you? Why did you come? Why did you come to this demon?
No, no! Don’t touch me. I don’t deserve. But thanks, thanks. Thanks for coming.
Are you kissing me? It’s been so long.
I can’t see you anymore. I am sorry.
Karan: Saturday; 10.15 pm
The bell had rung exactly at 9.50 pm. I opened the door and one five feet nothing frail girl was standing. Before I could say something, she said, “We have to go immediately. Call Madam.”
Me: What happened?
Shobha: Call Avani Madam, I have auto.
Avani came. She recognized the girl. Worried, she said “Shobha”.
Shobha: Madam Come, we have to go. Hurry!
Avani: Now?
Shobha: Now! Madam, we don’t have time.
Avani: Can Karan come?
Shobha: Okay, let him come.
Avani spoke to Anitya for 20 seconds and was out. I followed. The auto was waiting below; the driver was well built and muscular. Turned out to be Shobha’s husband. Shobha sat with him. She continued to bark instructions to her husband, who appeared to be very subservient.
There was very little talk. Avani was tight-lipped mashing the handkerchief in her hand. We reached her home exactly at 10.15 pm. Shobha had a key and we entered. The living room looked absolutely spic and span. Shobha entered the bedroom and switched on the lights. Sumit was lying on the bed facing the door, face contorted in pain.
Avani rushed forward and Sumit opened his eyes. He had difficulty focussing his gaze and then he mumbled. I could only make out the word ‘demon’.
Avani clutched his head. He continued to mutter, saying thanks, repeatedly.
By now Avani was crying and kissing Sumit as if possessed.
He had stopped responding.
Avani continued to shake him but he had closed his eyes.
Shobha pushed Avani and whispered, “Hospital”.
Our trance was broken.
Me and Nandan (Shobha’s husband) picked him up with difficulty and put him in the auto. We all squeezed in and rushed. Nandan drove like a madman possessed through myriad lanes and by-lanes of Mumbai. The precious time ticked away but the maze of roads appeared interminable.
Finally, the lane opened wide and we were at the hospital. The paramedics took over. The doctor on duty rushed in. He had a look at Sumit and contorted his face in despair.
We waited and hoped against hope.
Grim faced doctors fought valiantly against the combined effects of cocktail of drugs and pesticides. Every organ in his body was affected. He remained comatose, flitting between light and darkness; between life and death.
Days and nights passed in a daze. Avani did not leave Sumit for three days. On the fourth day Sumit had a major crisis, his blood pressure dropped drastically. The doctors pumped in large quantities of drugs to raise the blood pressure. But, he failed to respond. His life continued to hang by a slender thread for a full day. The doctors would not give us any hope. Avani sat by Sumit, holding his hand, like a stone.
Finally, early in the morning, the doctors came out and informed that the blood pressure was now normal.
The crisis was over, though not the danger. But now it was a matter of time.
Anitya: 7th day in hospital
Doctors have finally permitted us to visit Sumit. Although we have been regularly visiting hospital every day, it was the first time; I will be facing Sumit again. I was filled with dread and anxiety. The trauma was too recent for all of us.
When I heard what Sumit had done I was completely filled with disbelief. It was so strange. I could not fathom, as to why he would do such a thing. I mean, he did not appear to be overtly emotional about relations (except me). It came as a real shock; to me as well as Siddharth. This news sent him into a shell for the initial 4 day, during the time that we all had mentally steeled ourselves to receive the bad news. But, once it was evident that Sumit would live, Siddharth regained his cheerfulness and attended hospital tirelessly; though he himself was not fully fit. To me, it appeared that somewhere he was blaming himself for this. Why should he do that?
Today morning, I discussed with Siddharth and voiced my unease over meeting Sumit. I was also worried about the repercussions that it could have but Siddharth was adamant. He insisted that we meet him, in person. I wanted Karan’s opinion but he had become useless in these matters. He had kind of become a permanent fixture in the hospital and all he could think about was the necessary arrangements to be made there. At the end, I insisted that I was not going in there all alone and Siddharth must be there with me. This was acceptable to him.
We reached the hospital at 11 am and finally we were ushered into his cabin. As I entered, the first thing that I saw was a bed in the corner and a frail dark body pasted on it. Where was the handsome and sexy man who had stolen my heart and ruled over my body? Was it this man who wooed me away from my husband and kept me enthralled with his magnificent prowess incessantly, for days together? Where was the man who would just pick me in his arms like a doll and pleasure me?
Here, all I looking at was a shadow left behind by death itself. A skeleton completely engulfed and ravaged by the torments of poison. Meant to take his life but brought back from the brink of death, miraculously. The death had been defeated but it had left indelible scars as vengeance. The man I was looking at was a caricature of life. There were dark patches all over the body, multiple bottles hanging and machines wailing signals. To me it appeared that a dark shadow was still hovering silently, lurking somewhere in the corner, waiting for the opportune moment to pounce.
The body shook its feeble hands and uttered a moan, looking around frantically. Avani who was preparing something, almost ran to him. He eagerly latched on to her hands as if she would prevent anyone, any darkness to snatch him away from her. Avani sat with him and he calmed down. He was like a child clutching to his mother, convinced that she would not let any harm come to him. At whatever cost.
Avani for the first time noticed our presence and waved us to come near. She put her face close to Sumit and mumbled something. He opened his eyes and looked at me for some time. A wan smile spread across his disfigured face and he murmured something that I could not catch. I looked questioningly at Avani. She said, “He is saying thanks and he is saying sorry”.
Sumit continued to look at me and Siddharth. He called us nearer and with great difficulty held both our hands. He continued to hold it for some time and then out of sheer exhaustion, loosened his grip and closed his eyes. A tear tracked down his blackened face.
We came out of the cabin.
Shobha: 7th day in hospital
I don’t have time to even die!
If death comes, I will tell him, “Wait na baba. Come later. I have to clean the house, cook; give children tiffin; take them to school bus; cook for madam and Karan bhaiyya; go to hospital; feed madam with force and come back to bring the children from the bus, give them food again and take them to hospital”.
Today, they allowed me to see Sir. I felt like crying. What has happened to my Sir? I always thought something was wrong. Else why would he keep looking at the fan for hours and write long long letters. No one writes anything nowadays. When I want Nandan to come I write ‘come now’; if I want milk, I write ‘milk 500’. In whatsapp. I have learnt English in whatsapp. Very good system.
After Sir comes back home, I will look after him. He will live. I am only worried about madam. If she does not eat, she will surely die. It is easy to feed the children than to her. I have to fight daily. Then yesterday, I said finally, I am leaving the job if you do not eat. Only then she eats, heehee.
Today Anitya madam had also come, looking very beautiful. Sona says, she was the one for whom the lafda started. Siddharth sir is so handsome and nice. Why she not happy with him. Everybody likes other things. Nandan likes movies in computer, very bad ones; but I like Bahubali and Salman Khan Movie. Like that.
Sometimes Sona used to say that I should be careful with Sir. I tell Sona; I have no fear. Nobody can do anything to me if I refuse. Even Sir cannot force me if I don’t want.
Okay, so Anitya madam went inside the cabin and came out after some time. She was totally white. I thought she will fall down. Then Siddharth sir made her sit, she was holding him and crying. Long time. Siddharth sir looking this side, that side, not knowing what to do. I got a cup of tea from the thermos and give to madam. She looks at me and tells me to sit with her. She tells me, you are very good, very good. How does she know? Mad or what? Then she says, you please look after your sir and madam , okay, promise? Why she tells me this? I take money, I will have to do everything, na?
Then Karan sir comes. There is a madam (very smart) with him, scolding him. Like I do to Nandan.
I go to give food to madam. Today, she fights less. Sir also looks at me and raises his hands. Madam says, "stay for some time" but I have to go back home. Forgot to take out the kachda and bus will come.
I don’t have time to die even.
“Come now”. I write to Nandan
Karan: 15th day in hospital
Shobha has taken over Sumit’s house completely. She singlehandedly manages the children, their school and their food. She tirelessly flits between home and hospital. Avani is like a mannequin neither eating nor moving an inch from Sumit’s bed. She could not come to terms with the fact that Sumit had actually decided to end his life as a form of repentance.
Anitya and Siddharth too visited the hospital regularly comforting Avani and looking after her smallest needs. Even they were shocked at the turn of events. I had to coax all of them to go back home. But, I could not persuade Avani. She would want me around and I was there for the maximum time.
Meanwhile a lady visited Sumit on Sunday. Her name was Keya. She was the lawyer for Sumit. She was smart, efficient and had grey eyes that did very funny things to my heart.
Since both Sumit and Avani were out of circulation, the responsibility of communicating with her fell on me. We met a number of times in the hospital cafeteria. She was the typical no-nonsense type girl and grilled me on various things as if I was a criminal. I felt like running away but then she had eyes that were bothering me to no end. They always stopped me from running away.
From her it transpired that Sumit had consolidated all his assets including his gym into liquid cash and left it all to Avani in a Will. Keya had drawn the Will and had done the paperwork. She was unhappy with some of the provisions but Sumit had prevailed. He had confided into her fully, except his final and ulterior step. She was furious at this deception and took out her anger on me. She wanted all the answers from me. My inability to do so due to lack of knowledge made her angrier. She looked at me as if her eyes would burn me down but to me they always looked like peaceful lakes. I was hopeless.
Sumit regained his health somewhat and it was time for us to move back to our respective lives. There were a few formalities that were necessary with the police and the matter was sorted out.
Finally, Sumit was discharged from the hospital after 15 days and all 7 of us were present including Keya. It was around 12 pm. Siddharth’s car had place for only 5. There was confusion.
So, Keya said, “You all move, I will drop Karan in the evening.”
“Why evening? Shall I take an auto?” I enquired.
The volcanic eyes turned towards me.
“Stupid” She murmured.
The End
I am Shobha. I am working as maid and cook in this house. Sir and two children are there. Work is not very much. Children are well behaved. They eat what I cook. They go to School in the morning at 7 and come back at 2. I go to leave them at the bus stand and bring them back also. Then they take bath and I give them food. They like my cooking. I make rice, dal, bhaji and chappati. They don’t like dahi but I force them. Dahi is a must. Then they go to sleep. Sometimes they see TV, chupke, chupke. Sir has asked them not to see TV in the afternoon but I sometimes allow, sometimes only. Not daily, Ok? In the evening, I take them to the park. They play and I chat with Sona.
Sona also brings two children. She is working in another flat. She tells me so many things. Somethings are, you know, heehee. Then we come back home. Children have milk and something to eat. Poha and some days upma. Earlier they did not eat pav bhaji but Sir told to make it daily. First, they did not eat, now they do. Pav bhaji? So, nice. In Maharashtra, every town has Shivaji, Samvaji and pav bhaji, heehee. Then I make dinner. Children do their homework. Then Sir comes, I keep the food in the table and go back home at 7. Sir and children eat food together. Sir always says that after I have come, there is some system in the house. What’s system?
Sir gets up early in the morning. By the time I come at 7, he is ready to go. Sometimes I get a little late, I find him at the door looking towards the road. He leaves only after I come. Good, no? Always worried about children. He is very healthy, heehee. Very good muscles. Good looking also. But he stays alone. Madam has left him. How can Madam leave him like that? He is so handsome, heehee. Sona tells me so many things.
You know how I came here? I was going on the road minding my own business. I saw Sir coming down the road barefoot. He calls, “Bai, stop.” I stop. He says, “I am looking for a bai, do you know someone?” I say, “Why, you have some work?” I am looking for a bai, he says. He is so handsome. I say, “Okay you go, I will come and see your house.” Sir says, “you know the house?” I say, “yes, yes third floor, 302?” He says, “But, you will come, na?”
So, I go. House is just like any other house, what to see? One drawing, one kitchen, two bed room, two bathrooms and one balcony. Kitchen was good, modular, drawers moving smooth. Bone china plates, induction cooker, microwave and good chimney. Very less kachra in kitchen. Madam is good. Where is she? So, I ask, “Where is Madam?” Sir is quiet, then says, “She is not here, you see and tell. Will you work?” I say, “Sir, everything?” he says, yes and I settle the rate. He agrees to what I want. If Madam was there it would have been much less. So, I feel bad. I say, “Sir, I will take children to park and to school bus also.” He was happy. Sir is a little less practical. He does not know how to bargain. I am sure, Madam will come and reduce the rate. But she never comes.
That is 6 months back. Now everything is okay. System is there. Now I know what is system. Madam never comes. Two months back, I saw Madam. She did not come inside. Sir and children went to water park. She did not go with them. She looked beautiful but very thin. Zero size, Sir doesn’t like or what? Heehee.
But I know many things now. Sona tells me. There was some lafda. With some girl. That is so common. Sir is healthy and handsome. But why leave home? Then all is finished!
Nandan, my husband also tried this once. Stunt. He is a nice fellow. He wants two things. Daru and sex. Sex I give. If wife doesn’t give then who will give? He will then go outside, no? So, I give. Also, I give him daru. When I go back home I buy a small bottle. Okay quality, not country. He comes home, I give him his daru and food or mixture. He drinks what I give and asks more. I show him my eyes and he does not ask more. So, he is in control. But once I found him coming late two days together and he was not drunk. Where was he? I ask and he tells me some stupid story. I know there is some lafda. I press and he agrees. And he tries to be angry. Man, and all. So, what I can do? I take the Jhadu and give three nice whacks. And everything is very nice after that. This Jhadu is very good. All kachda can be removed.
Madam should have done that. But there are different systems in rich people. But what is the use, if it does not work?
One day, when I was new, one girl came to our house. Brown hair and very big, heehee, you know what! She looks at me and says, “Call your Sir”. I say okay, you sit. Sir was in the bedroom, lying down and looking at the fan sadly. What’s there in the fan, I don’t know? I tell him about the lady waiting. He tells me to give her a cup of tea and tell her that he is not well. So, I ask her if she wants tea? She says yes. I go to the kitchen and after 10 minutes come back and tell her that Sir is not well and there is no milk at home. I offer her water but she is annoyed and leave saying something in English. Funny girl!
I think sometimes Madam takes the children somewhere. I get them ready and Sir takes them in car and leaves them somewhere. Then he comes back alone. Whole day he lies down. Keeps looking at the fan. Does not eat proper lunch also. I made biriyani that day. He did not eat. He asked me to take that home. I thought it was not good. But my husband ate it all and gave me a kiss. He said it is good. Some problem somewhere. Then he will go in the evening and get the children back. They tell him what happened. He asks them many things. I give children food and they are tired. They sleep early. Sir goes back to his bedroom and keeps looking out of the window. Better than looking at the fan.
But something has happened. Children don’t go out much nowadays. I don’t ask them. Not good to ask about their mother. But Sir tells them to go but they say they are bored. What is bored? I think Sir works very hard. But on Sunday he is at home. Plays with the children and they go out for lunch. I also have a half day. But I feel bad. Children are small and no mother.
Sona says that Sir is very active. What active? She rolls her eyes and smiles naughty. She tells me, “You be careful!” I know what she means but what to do. Nothing has happened. I think Sona is wrong. All the muscle in Sir’s body is not working or what!! Heehee.
But he loves the children. One day the daughter has fever. I think normal only. But what scene he makes. He calls two doctors and sits with her for the whole night. His face was sadder than when looks at the fan. I tell him not to worry, this is normal fever. But he gets angry and shouts at me. I don’t mind. He says sorry.
Some other thing also has happened. This is really funny. Sir is writing something on paper. Daily he writes and cuts them. Heehee, he is tearing paper from his daughter’s notebook. She is so angry? He has to get her a dress to make her happy. I try to see and see what? So many things written and the lines are all tedha-medha. He should write on paper with lines!
I think it is a letter!
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The Letter:
Hey Listen
How are you? I am fine.
Never wrote a letter ever in my life except in school. Don’t know how to start it. Remember we had to start with Dear or Respected and then say I beg to state that due to urgent piece of work and so on.
I tried to write something. Dear is, ok but what next. People write darling, honey, babe but I really feel embarrassed writing any of them because I have lost that right. Forever. So, I wrote “Listen”.
Look, I know, you would say, why this? Yes, I don’t know. First, I thought, I will write you, ask for forgiveness and ask you to come back. But why would you accept it? Who will? For the last eight months now, you are gone. I have sent you away. We have met each other sometime but I could not tell you what I wanted to. So, I am writing this letter and it will be full of mistakes. I heard you are now working in a school, so it will be worse for you, as a teacher.
Remember? When I first met you outside your college, you were with your friend and I just bumped into you. You were so beautiful that I could not shift my gaze from your face. You had said hello and I had mumbled something. We met again. And I married you soon. You know, I, then was never comfortable with my popularity with the girls. I never understood why was it so. But I went with the flow till you came. I know, how lame I sound.
Okay okay let me not beat around the bush. I had too many drawbacks that I am not proud of. First and the most important, my inability to control myself in the company of girls. After our marriage, I tried to control it but I lapsed. Many times. Initially, I had you. But after our daughter was born, your sex drive had become lower. Your priority was more with household work and the children and I felt frustrated. Then these girls came. You were upset and we stopped talking. You withdrew sex from me. It was a punishment that I could not tolerate. It was worse because, I had alternative access to girls who were more than willing. I continued to slip. But, today I will say one truth, I did not love them. Through them I only chased the mirage of fulfilment that I could have only got from you. I think I should have spoken with you but I was never adept at it. But it was you that I always fantasized and many realised that. They tried to copy your hairstyle and even during the most intimate moments with these girls, I always consoled myself that it was you.
Secondly, my obsession with Anitya for one full year. Yes, I did fall in love with her. But how could I control it. You were aloof and I had my physical requirements. Anitya was a Goddess who came into my life. She was provocative and her husband pushed her to me. I had asked him if he was okay and he had said yes. Not once or twice, they continued this relation together with me for nine long months.
For them it was a social experiment tinged with perversion and lust. For me, it was love. I was deeply in love with her. I always wondered that why was this happening? I became a pawn in their experiment. Just a study subject. I was so much in love that I resented Siddharth. This was real. This was different from all other girls.By then you had given up your hopes on me. All the communications that we had were arguments and fights and I fully failed as a husband.
But suddenly, Anitya stopped seeing me. They started it, they fostered it, nurtured it and when their experiment soured they discarded me. And by then, I had lost you.
But my lessons were still not over. You came back and I should have grabbed the opportunity and moved on afresh but I met her again in a party where she wore my jacket and acted with similar passion. I was again confused and thought that I was getting her back. I realised very late that when things go wrong, one identifies the devil as God.
Then Anitya vanished, it was so bizarre. I was worried. It just didn’t add up and when you told me that she had come and you had sent her away, I was totally broken. I felt terribly annoyed at you. But what I did was worse.
You moved out. I know that you never had any boyfriend. That was my department. But I tried to find out your whereabouts. Listen, you stayed in a bloody ‘chawl’. That was a slap on my face. I should have gone and dragged you back but I had lost all rights. You don’t have money and will not accept help from me. Can you tell me, what should I do?
People are not wrong when they say I am the worst. Yes, I am the demon that people say I am. I am the beast with no heart, no compassion. But I loved you and I have lost you. My weaknesses and my selfishness has left me nowhere. I deserve the worst.
But I live on, because I see you every day in my children. Your daughter is becoming like you. She scolds me often and I sometimes feel that a young Avani is standing before me. Actually, the paper I am using to write this letter is from her copy and what a terrible scene she created. Your son misses you. He is too small.
I had felt really bad when he had said that he does not like pav bhaji and dosas and your face showed the disappointment. Unknowingly I have pampered them so much that now they feel bored, to be with you or dislike simple gifts. I was ashamed when they said that. I made sure that pav bhaji is cooked at home often. He now likes it a bit.
But don’t you ever think that I will call you back. I won’t because for me it’s over. You and I must move on. Forgive me if you ever can.
Goodbye.
Sumit
PS: You know, somewhere me and Anitya are similar. Our base instincts are too powerful. Once I had met her in a club on the verge of being raped by some random guy. I stopped them and then realised that it was actually with her consent. Siddharth was somewhere nearby and probably didn’t know. She gave me some cock and bull story. I have done similar things but never without consent. Still, one is a victim and the other, beast.
PS-2: It has taken me 8 days to write this letter.
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It is a Saturday. Today Sir is very cheerful. When I came, I found him on the door. As I came in, he says, “Shobha, today we shall cook biriyani?” I say okay. So, Sir goes to the market and returns with chicken and ice cream. I make biriyani and today he eats well and says, it is very good. The children are also happy. So much of ice cream Sir has brought. All types. He tells me to eat also. First I say no and then say yes.
We finish lunch by 1. Sir is in his bed room. He calls me. Today he looks happy. He says, “Shobha, listen carefully. You pack a big bag for the children. No, take two bags. Put their good dress and toys. They will go to their mother today. I look surprised. He says, “Don’t worry; I will drop you all where she stays. Now, get the bag, okay.”
I am surprised. Why bags? They will stay with Madam? What about School? Will madam come back? Good news, I think, Madam is very beautiful, and Sir is also handsome. Fire and Ghee. Why stay separate? At least for the children.
I pack the bags and get the children ready. They are also happy. I tell them that they are going to their mother.
Then I tell Sir that everyone is ready. Sir is thoughtful and then he says, “Shobha, listen. I will take all three of you where your Madam is staying. You take the children to her and tell that they will be with her. So, Shobha, you will have to help Madam with the school, Okay?”
I nod my head. Then he says again, “I have a letter for Madam, you give it to her. And when you go there may be other people but you call for Madam and don’t talk too much with others, okay?”
I nod my head again. But will Sir go somewhere?
So, at 4 pm we leave home in Sir’s car and we go for about 5 km and he stops. It is near to my house only. He stops and shows me a flat and says, “Your Madam stays there, take the children.”
I get out of the car with the children and Sir comes around and embraces them and gives them a 2000 rupees to each of them and says, “This for you. Buy anything you like. And be good.” Then he gives me also one 2000 rupees note, but I say no. He says take it, you also enjoy. So, I take. Then he says, bye bye.
As I go, he calls me back and says, “You don’t come tomorrow.”
I take the children to the flat and ring the bell. It is a nice big building. One Madam, very beautiful, opens the door. She sees the children and they jump to her and say, Anitya aunty! She looks at me. Confused. So, I say I have come to meet my Madam, their mother. She calls, “Avani, look who’s here.” She comes and sees the children and starts crying and holds the first baby to her chest and then the second baby and then the first baby again. I don’t know what to do. After a long time, she wipes her tears and asks me, “Who are you?” I tell my name and say I can go? They have school on Monday; Clothes and books are there in the bag; I can come if you have to send them to school. She says, no no, I will do everything. You have tea? I say No. So, what to do?
I give her the letter, it is a big envelope. Many papers in it. She is surprised and takes it.
I come out and see Sir is gone.
I go to my home.
Sumit: Saturday; 9.30 pm
Well the deed is done. I had a long talk with Keya, my lawyer, regarding the details. After all, legal papers must be beyond scrutiny. She confirmed that the papers that I have signed yesterday have been rechecked and everything is in order. Papers, property, bank cash, all. So that there is no confusion. Keya was a little unhappy with the terms and conditions. She wanted to come over and discuss. I dissuaded her. I would be alone today and it would not be right for Keya to be here. There could be complications later.
Incidentally, she is beautiful and has short brown hair, the way I like.
There was no way I could have persuade Avani to come back. I had myself closed all the doors. But, life must move on. There was absolutely no point in crying over spilt milk. No, there wasn’t. It would be best that Avani should be freed from this meaningless bondage. I had given a deep thought about it for the last two months.
I have been very unfair to Avani but the provisions that I have made should keep her afloat for some time. After that? Hopefully, she would settle down with someone. My story with her is over and I have clarified that in my letter. That letter writing was a pain. My daughter was furious about the pages. But it needed to be done.
Though I was initially very angry with Anitya and Siddharth but now that has lessened. Both of them actually loved each other and I got caught in between. Meanwhile, Avani, whom I loved, too lost out. Love is a very dangerous commodity; it makes us do stupid things that we later regret.
I feel nice that I was able to send the children to Avani. She must look after them now. I am catering for their finances. I have done my bit. After all, she is the mother. She is out of touch and when she comes to know about the papers, she will be shocked. She actually doesn’t deserve such complications but she will manage. What can I do? I think this is the best way. A poor effort towards redemption, eh?
I am feeling a bit sad about Shobha. I can’t keep her anymore. I have asked her not to come tomorrow. Hope Avani employs her. She really looked after my babies well and she is so innocent. I am sure she knows nothing about us. I have given her 2000 rupees. I wanted to give her some more but that would have looked awkward.
The children are probably having a good time. Are they thinking about me? Maybe not. Avani will look after them and as such I am no model father to follow. Still, I love them. Good that they are not here and it would be better for them not to know everything. They will be hurt.
I think, it’s time!
Avani: Saturday;9.30 pm
The children have fallen asleep and I have just read the letter.
It has been such a crazy day since morning. Today my school was closed and I had come over to Anitya in the morning. Though both Siddharth and Anitya had insisted (and continue to do so) that I stay with them but I had convinced them that I needed to stay near my school and it would be unfair to my roommate if I vacate suddenly. But for the last one month I had been regularly visiting them on weekends. The time I spent with them was cathartic and things appeared much under control. They needed time with themselves to sort out so many things and my staying with them would not have been advisable.
Sudden appearance of the children was intoxicating. I just could not believe my eyes. It was ‘a dream come true’. I literally went berserk and for a moment, at a complete loss; like a small child getting back her long lost toys. It’s only after sometime that I noticed the demure girl, Shobha, who had brought them in. She looked a little ill at ease and I let her go. Sensing that I wanted to spend time with the kids, Siddharth and Anitya too went to see a movie.
They have come back now.
The children won’t stop updating me. In one hour I came to know everything that had happened in last three months. They appeared to be very fond of Shobha. That was nice. I was relieved. My son informed me that Shobha makes good ‘pav bhaji’ and he enjoys them now. It’s my daughter who said that Sumit had dropped them here. I couldn’t guess as to how he came to know about me being here. Soon, they settled down with the TV (it appears that TV time is rationed for them).
But they also appeared to have grown fond of their father.
I read the letter. Over and over again. What could I say? Sumit has poured his heart out. I never knew that he could be so apologetic and so much in mental agony. So many things that he wrote about us made me simultaneously smile and cry.
Was it possible that during the days that I was aloof and didn’t speak to him actually worsened our disconnect? Did I withhold sex as a punishment? Did I give higher priority to the children and to the household duties over Sumit? Was he kind of forced to look elsewhere because I was unapproachable? Maybe, it is a matter of perception. But, had we communicated more, possibly things could have been redeemed, today I feel so.
I am little worried about certain things in the letter. The meanings are scary.
Perhaps he is confusing me because he is not good at writing letters. Still, some of his sentences are creating panic in my heart. He repeatedly says that he is a beast, a demon. I don’t like that. He also says that he will never call me back because he doesn’t deserve it. Why? If Siddharth and Anitya can get back why can’t we. I think Sumit is changing, the children are happy with him. Should I talk to him?
I think I’ll go to him. I want to give ourselves another chance.
He says at the end ‘Goodbye’. Is he going somewhere? Where? Is there someone new in his life? Does he want a divorce?
Is it too late?
Who is ringing the bell now? Is it Sumit? Has he come to take back his children?
Karan is calling me?
Why?
Is everything okay?
Shobha!
Shobha: Saturday;9.30 pm
Sir was very peculiar today. He gave me 2000 rupees. Just like that. Mad or what? He gave his children also 2000 each. Why? They don’t need so much to spend in one day. Their mother is there. She is nice. Sir is also nice. What is the problem? And he was so happy today. Never seen him like that. For the last 2 months, he looked sad but today he is happy. Extra happy! Good thing he did not look at the fan today. That is madness.
Wait, is that madness? There is something wrong. Why did he ask me not to come tomorrow? I am worried. What if...?
Hey you, sleepy oaf. Get up. We have to go?
Where? What do you mean? Shut up and do what I am saying.
What? I can’t talk to my husband like that? I will show you. Looks like you have forgotten.
Yes, that’s better. No need to change, come as you are.
Let us go.
Hey! Stop. Let me take Madam along.
Sir, we have to go immediately. Call Madam
Madam come, we have to go. Hurry!
Now! Madam, we don’t have time.
Okay, let him come.
Sumit: Saturday;10.15 pm
It’s so painful. But what choice did I have? This is the only way. Avani will feel a little bad. We were married for so long and she loved this beast. I also did.
Will anyone miss me? I think not. No one misses demons.
The family I destroyed have sheltered Avani. I could not. Wish I could thank them. But it’s too late for that now.
What am I blabbering? When will it end? Why doesn’t it end soon?
Why are my eyes hazy? Why do I taste something salty in my mouth? My throat pains. Am I crying? That’s new! I have never cried before! Good, it is good to cry.
Am I repenting?
I cannot stand any more. I will lie down.
I can’t see well.
Who is it? Is it you? Why did you come? Why did you come to this demon?
No, no! Don’t touch me. I don’t deserve. But thanks, thanks. Thanks for coming.
Are you kissing me? It’s been so long.
I can’t see you anymore. I am sorry.
Karan: Saturday; 10.15 pm
The bell had rung exactly at 9.50 pm. I opened the door and one five feet nothing frail girl was standing. Before I could say something, she said, “We have to go immediately. Call Madam.”
Me: What happened?
Shobha: Call Avani Madam, I have auto.
Avani came. She recognized the girl. Worried, she said “Shobha”.
Shobha: Madam Come, we have to go. Hurry!
Avani: Now?
Shobha: Now! Madam, we don’t have time.
Avani: Can Karan come?
Shobha: Okay, let him come.
Avani spoke to Anitya for 20 seconds and was out. I followed. The auto was waiting below; the driver was well built and muscular. Turned out to be Shobha’s husband. Shobha sat with him. She continued to bark instructions to her husband, who appeared to be very subservient.
There was very little talk. Avani was tight-lipped mashing the handkerchief in her hand. We reached her home exactly at 10.15 pm. Shobha had a key and we entered. The living room looked absolutely spic and span. Shobha entered the bedroom and switched on the lights. Sumit was lying on the bed facing the door, face contorted in pain.
Avani rushed forward and Sumit opened his eyes. He had difficulty focussing his gaze and then he mumbled. I could only make out the word ‘demon’.
Avani clutched his head. He continued to mutter, saying thanks, repeatedly.
By now Avani was crying and kissing Sumit as if possessed.
He had stopped responding.
Avani continued to shake him but he had closed his eyes.
Shobha pushed Avani and whispered, “Hospital”.
Our trance was broken.
Me and Nandan (Shobha’s husband) picked him up with difficulty and put him in the auto. We all squeezed in and rushed. Nandan drove like a madman possessed through myriad lanes and by-lanes of Mumbai. The precious time ticked away but the maze of roads appeared interminable.
Finally, the lane opened wide and we were at the hospital. The paramedics took over. The doctor on duty rushed in. He had a look at Sumit and contorted his face in despair.
We waited and hoped against hope.
Grim faced doctors fought valiantly against the combined effects of cocktail of drugs and pesticides. Every organ in his body was affected. He remained comatose, flitting between light and darkness; between life and death.
Days and nights passed in a daze. Avani did not leave Sumit for three days. On the fourth day Sumit had a major crisis, his blood pressure dropped drastically. The doctors pumped in large quantities of drugs to raise the blood pressure. But, he failed to respond. His life continued to hang by a slender thread for a full day. The doctors would not give us any hope. Avani sat by Sumit, holding his hand, like a stone.
Finally, early in the morning, the doctors came out and informed that the blood pressure was now normal.
The crisis was over, though not the danger. But now it was a matter of time.
Anitya: 7th day in hospital
Doctors have finally permitted us to visit Sumit. Although we have been regularly visiting hospital every day, it was the first time; I will be facing Sumit again. I was filled with dread and anxiety. The trauma was too recent for all of us.
When I heard what Sumit had done I was completely filled with disbelief. It was so strange. I could not fathom, as to why he would do such a thing. I mean, he did not appear to be overtly emotional about relations (except me). It came as a real shock; to me as well as Siddharth. This news sent him into a shell for the initial 4 day, during the time that we all had mentally steeled ourselves to receive the bad news. But, once it was evident that Sumit would live, Siddharth regained his cheerfulness and attended hospital tirelessly; though he himself was not fully fit. To me, it appeared that somewhere he was blaming himself for this. Why should he do that?
Today morning, I discussed with Siddharth and voiced my unease over meeting Sumit. I was also worried about the repercussions that it could have but Siddharth was adamant. He insisted that we meet him, in person. I wanted Karan’s opinion but he had become useless in these matters. He had kind of become a permanent fixture in the hospital and all he could think about was the necessary arrangements to be made there. At the end, I insisted that I was not going in there all alone and Siddharth must be there with me. This was acceptable to him.
We reached the hospital at 11 am and finally we were ushered into his cabin. As I entered, the first thing that I saw was a bed in the corner and a frail dark body pasted on it. Where was the handsome and sexy man who had stolen my heart and ruled over my body? Was it this man who wooed me away from my husband and kept me enthralled with his magnificent prowess incessantly, for days together? Where was the man who would just pick me in his arms like a doll and pleasure me?
Here, all I looking at was a shadow left behind by death itself. A skeleton completely engulfed and ravaged by the torments of poison. Meant to take his life but brought back from the brink of death, miraculously. The death had been defeated but it had left indelible scars as vengeance. The man I was looking at was a caricature of life. There were dark patches all over the body, multiple bottles hanging and machines wailing signals. To me it appeared that a dark shadow was still hovering silently, lurking somewhere in the corner, waiting for the opportune moment to pounce.
The body shook its feeble hands and uttered a moan, looking around frantically. Avani who was preparing something, almost ran to him. He eagerly latched on to her hands as if she would prevent anyone, any darkness to snatch him away from her. Avani sat with him and he calmed down. He was like a child clutching to his mother, convinced that she would not let any harm come to him. At whatever cost.
Avani for the first time noticed our presence and waved us to come near. She put her face close to Sumit and mumbled something. He opened his eyes and looked at me for some time. A wan smile spread across his disfigured face and he murmured something that I could not catch. I looked questioningly at Avani. She said, “He is saying thanks and he is saying sorry”.
Sumit continued to look at me and Siddharth. He called us nearer and with great difficulty held both our hands. He continued to hold it for some time and then out of sheer exhaustion, loosened his grip and closed his eyes. A tear tracked down his blackened face.
We came out of the cabin.
Shobha: 7th day in hospital
I don’t have time to even die!
If death comes, I will tell him, “Wait na baba. Come later. I have to clean the house, cook; give children tiffin; take them to school bus; cook for madam and Karan bhaiyya; go to hospital; feed madam with force and come back to bring the children from the bus, give them food again and take them to hospital”.
Today, they allowed me to see Sir. I felt like crying. What has happened to my Sir? I always thought something was wrong. Else why would he keep looking at the fan for hours and write long long letters. No one writes anything nowadays. When I want Nandan to come I write ‘come now’; if I want milk, I write ‘milk 500’. In whatsapp. I have learnt English in whatsapp. Very good system.
After Sir comes back home, I will look after him. He will live. I am only worried about madam. If she does not eat, she will surely die. It is easy to feed the children than to her. I have to fight daily. Then yesterday, I said finally, I am leaving the job if you do not eat. Only then she eats, heehee.
Today Anitya madam had also come, looking very beautiful. Sona says, she was the one for whom the lafda started. Siddharth sir is so handsome and nice. Why she not happy with him. Everybody likes other things. Nandan likes movies in computer, very bad ones; but I like Bahubali and Salman Khan Movie. Like that.
Sometimes Sona used to say that I should be careful with Sir. I tell Sona; I have no fear. Nobody can do anything to me if I refuse. Even Sir cannot force me if I don’t want.
Okay, so Anitya madam went inside the cabin and came out after some time. She was totally white. I thought she will fall down. Then Siddharth sir made her sit, she was holding him and crying. Long time. Siddharth sir looking this side, that side, not knowing what to do. I got a cup of tea from the thermos and give to madam. She looks at me and tells me to sit with her. She tells me, you are very good, very good. How does she know? Mad or what? Then she says, you please look after your sir and madam , okay, promise? Why she tells me this? I take money, I will have to do everything, na?
Then Karan sir comes. There is a madam (very smart) with him, scolding him. Like I do to Nandan.
I go to give food to madam. Today, she fights less. Sir also looks at me and raises his hands. Madam says, "stay for some time" but I have to go back home. Forgot to take out the kachda and bus will come.
I don’t have time to die even.
“Come now”. I write to Nandan
Karan: 15th day in hospital
Shobha has taken over Sumit’s house completely. She singlehandedly manages the children, their school and their food. She tirelessly flits between home and hospital. Avani is like a mannequin neither eating nor moving an inch from Sumit’s bed. She could not come to terms with the fact that Sumit had actually decided to end his life as a form of repentance.
Anitya and Siddharth too visited the hospital regularly comforting Avani and looking after her smallest needs. Even they were shocked at the turn of events. I had to coax all of them to go back home. But, I could not persuade Avani. She would want me around and I was there for the maximum time.
Meanwhile a lady visited Sumit on Sunday. Her name was Keya. She was the lawyer for Sumit. She was smart, efficient and had grey eyes that did very funny things to my heart.
Since both Sumit and Avani were out of circulation, the responsibility of communicating with her fell on me. We met a number of times in the hospital cafeteria. She was the typical no-nonsense type girl and grilled me on various things as if I was a criminal. I felt like running away but then she had eyes that were bothering me to no end. They always stopped me from running away.
From her it transpired that Sumit had consolidated all his assets including his gym into liquid cash and left it all to Avani in a Will. Keya had drawn the Will and had done the paperwork. She was unhappy with some of the provisions but Sumit had prevailed. He had confided into her fully, except his final and ulterior step. She was furious at this deception and took out her anger on me. She wanted all the answers from me. My inability to do so due to lack of knowledge made her angrier. She looked at me as if her eyes would burn me down but to me they always looked like peaceful lakes. I was hopeless.
Sumit regained his health somewhat and it was time for us to move back to our respective lives. There were a few formalities that were necessary with the police and the matter was sorted out.
Finally, Sumit was discharged from the hospital after 15 days and all 7 of us were present including Keya. It was around 12 pm. Siddharth’s car had place for only 5. There was confusion.
So, Keya said, “You all move, I will drop Karan in the evening.”
“Why evening? Shall I take an auto?” I enquired.
The volcanic eyes turned towards me.
“Stupid” She murmured.
The End
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