Sorry for the many typos and other proofreading errors.
I thought of you last night when Mitchell slapped my bottom, said he liked how firm my flesh was, watching it spring (quiver? judder?) This was while his dragon raged.
Another story. Last weekend at my friends' the second night Mitchell and I clashed and in bed he wanted sex but I stayed away. We talked and he said, "I hope we don't stop having sex like at the beginning of our marriage. I wouldn't want that to happen again."
We clashed often then, getting used to each other. One time was especially bad and we didn't get together for a few weeks. It felt like the stand-off might last forever.
"Don't worry," I said. "That won't happen."
"You mean you'll do it?"
"Yes."
"Great."
"And maybe Kaori too can do it for you if you ask her."
"That's okay," Mitchell said. "I don't need that. If I was alone I'd want her, but since I have you I don't."
I felt kind of sorry about Kaori, who in those days had no boyfriend with her. Mitchell and I would be making love and she'd be alone. The thought saddened me. Would she really agree, want to sleep with Mitchell if asked? I didn't know.
It was still early. After sex, Mitchell showed me a letter he'd written complaining to a company from which he'd ordered something that came late. The first or second sentence was, "The wait was so long it alarmed me."
Actually, I wasn't sure, found Mitchell's handwriting hard to read.
"'Alarmed me?'" I asked.
"No. 'Alerted me.' 'The wait was so long it alerted me.'"
I said maybe better than that would be "set me on alert."
Mitchell tried it. "'The wait was so long it set me on alert.' That is better. Thanks."
He said he was impressed by my improved English and that he'd heard about a job opening for a reporter on a local newspaper and suggested- not serious?- that I apply for it. He could help me with editing and proofreading, he said, get the English right.
Sometimes his ideas are funny, but he loves me.
I called his thing a dragon that night because of how angry it looked.
Today Mitchell returned from work and said he had flu symptoms. I hope it's not Covid. I found myself staying away from him like I did at the start of last weekend at my friends'. But same as then I quickly stopped trying. We're together. Keeping a physical distance really isn't possible. Whatever he has he'll give me, all the way to his penis going deep and shooting, his saliva mixing with mine in our kisses, so it really doesn't matter if I avoid sharing crackers he bought on his walk home from the train station.
He said he'd felt clumsy at work, had trouble talking with people. I like that he can speak so honestly. And then he'd thought he was coming down with something. He'd dozed off on a bench at break time, just fifteen minutes but woke up confused, sort of tongue-tied, his thoughts not connecting to speech as usual. It was hard teaching, even exchanging pleasantries with coworkers.
I don't know why I tell you this. It's just a detail he told me. Part of life. This is reality. We're not always in bed holding each other. And by seeing the ordinary you can really see the other things.
By the way, it was a blowjob I'd suggested he ask Kaori to give him. That's what he'd asked me for and I'd declined at first. After our fight, it had seemed a little wrong or strange, like his way of having me succumb completely, show submission by letting him spit in my mouth. But I relented and my offer to let my friend also do it showed I'd really accepted him with no conditions, that I'd stopped fighting. In Japanese there's a saying: "Lose to win."
Sometimes surrender opens doors. It's good to yield. By accepting his strength I become stronger too. It becomes part of me, like his seed in my mouth.
Surrender can sustain love, Mitchell's and I hope yours too- so selfish of me, but I want yours too- it's why I write you. I'm not ashamed to tell all these private details, things that happen and things from deep in me- I mean right at the surface but behind a door you have to open to see- and of course I don't for most people. I've told you most who meet me think I'm conservative.
Shame, embarrassment can also get in the way, like my pride did with Mitchell. and it feels so good to put that aside with you.
This is embarrassing to say, but I like you to shame me. I want you to make my face red with your words, also with your hands, your blows, your hands squeezing my face to open my mouth to you.
Mitchell and I didn't only make love by mouth on the weekend at my friends'. Bike riding in the dunes with the others led back to private pleasures. It was like we were leading a double life, the way I am with you.
Too selfish!
Do you mind that I tell you how much his dragon spit, all the bubbles that came out? I hope it makes you jealous so you want to beat me.
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