If only

 I was sitting in my favorite café, just stirring my tea when my daughter Natalie suddenly said,

"Dad, I think you've still got it. That woman over there hasn't taken her eyes off you since we came in."

As I'd now been a widower for almost 2 years, Natalie was keen for me to enter the dating scene. At 52, after being very happily married to my late wife Jane for 25 years, I wasn't ready. If I was honest, I doubted that I would ever be ready. I knew that I was still relatively young -- for a grandpa anyway. I still had all my own hair and teeth. I was still almost as trim as when I was 18. I just couldn't imagine being with anyone other than Jane. It would feel disloyal, unfaithful to her. Silly, I know, but that was how I felt.

Natalie encouraged me to have a look, so I passed my baby grandson Noah back to her. I glanced over but soon snapped my head back in shock.

"Dad, what is it? You're as white as a sheet."

"Natalie, that woman is not looking at me because she finds me attractive. Trust me. She's looking at me because I used to be married to her."

Natalie laughed at first.

"Very funny Dad. You were only married to Mum. You always said she was the love of your life. Your soulmate."

"That she was. She was my soulmate, but she wasn't my first love. That was the first Mrs Michael Barnes, Mrs Julie Barnes to be more accurate. That was a mistake. My biggest mistake."

Natalie looked stunned,

"How did I never know this?"

"It was a long time before you came along, sweetheart. I was even younger than you are now. I do have a past, you know? So did your Mum, by the way. We had no secrets from each other but you are allowed to keep secrets from your children."

"What secrets did Mum keep? Was she married before or was she an international assassin?"

"Well, your Mum's secrets were hers to tell sweetheart, but she'd be the first to say that they weren't as exciting as mine. They certainly didn't involve her being married to someone else. However, if she had decided to be an international assassin, I'm sure that she would have been a damn good one, once she put her mind to it."

"It's like I'm looking at a stranger. A mystery man who sounds like my Dad and is wearing his anorak." Natalie laughed.

"Sweetheart, you know me better than anyone on this planet, now your Mum's gone"

"Tell me than Dad. Tell me about this Mrs Julie Barnes."

So I told my daughter the story of my first love. I did miss out some of the details. I glossed over some of the more sordid details of my early sex life. Father's don't like to talk about things like that with their baby girl. Even if their baby girl is 23 and married with a baby of their own. If I choose to believe that Noah arrived by Immaculate Conception and that my wonderful son-in- law Jackson, sleeps in the spare room at their home at all times. That's up to me.

However, I will tell you the full story as I remember it.

I met Julie when I was 19 and she was 18. We were both quite innocent, really. I think the height of my sex education was reading a few well-thumbed copies of the Fiesta girlie mag, that my friend Alan had pilfered from his Dad's shed. Not like today, when all that knowledge is so available with online porn. Not that I think it gives a true picture, of course, but kids have a better understanding of what to do and how.

Despite our innocence, Julie and I took each other's virginities. Despite our lack of knowledge, we soon discovered that we were rather good at it. Julie was highly orgasmic and that gave me confidence. We were soon keen to experiment too. All those readers' letters in the back of the Fiesta had given me some ideas. We were really special together. I barely had to touch her and she would go off like a rocket. She was loud too. When we first moved into our little one bedroomed flat, one elderly neighbour said that we would have to rehome that howling dog we had. Didn't we know that pets weren't allowed? We laughed till we cried about that one.

It wasn't just about sex with us though. She was everything to me. I thought about her all the time. I just wanted to make her happy. We were so young looking back, married at 21 and 20, just kids really. We had to be together though. We hated being apart. I'd been brought up by my Nan after my parent's death. She took a while to warm up to Julie but eventually embraced her as the granddaughter she'd never had.

We had a wide circle of friends, we still went out a lot. However, we were at our happiest when we were alone together. Everyone used to tease us. Young and in love. I can see that we were probably quite nauseating at times, but we couldn't help it.

Julie was very possessive over me. She has a terrible jealous streak. It was silly really, but I suppose that was where her youth showed itself. She'd sulk if a girl even so much as glanced my way. I was a handsome young guy back then and I thought it was cute that she got jealous. That was where my youth showed itself.

I suppose that tiny bit of insecurity she had, made me fell even more secure. Secure in her love for me. What a silly kid I was, actually enjoying her being jealous. I suppose that the fact that I never gave her any reason to be jealous should be enough. I was wrong.

The problem came with Julie's 21st. We'd be married about 10 months at this point. I had been saving up to take her on holiday to Tenerife. We hadn't been able to manage a honeymoon abroad and I felt a little guilty over that. I had been working extra shifts to save the extra. I wanted us to have a full fortnight and do it in style. I worked on the shop floor back then, so it was easy for me to pick up extra shifts.

Luckily we both had passports. Julie's from when she went to France with her parents and mine from a trip to Holland for a training course. My big problem was getting Julie the time off work without her knowing. She worked in a local estate agents as receptionist. It was a branch of a much larger chain.

Her boss was Jerry. He was in his early 40's and divorced for the second time. Julie told me that he was a dreadful flirt with the single customers and even some of the married ones. I could see he fancied himself. He wasn't bad looking for a middle aged bloke, but he wasn't nearly as impressive as he seemed to think. I did ask Julie if he ever tried it on with her and she laughed and said,

"Jerry flirts with everything in a skirt from 18 to 80. He's not that fussy. It is hardly flattering if he flirts with me, is it"

"I suppose not," I replied.

"He can't help it. It is the way he's wired. It's like a compulsion. We have a deal though. He leaves me in peace and I don't knee him in the balls and report him to the area manager. I mean, he's older than my Dad, the dirty devil. As long as you know how to handle him, he's OK to work for."

With hindsight I should have been worried, I suppose. I was an arrogant youth though. Wasn't I rocking her world once in a morning and twice at night as the saying goes? Aside from keeping her satisfied, we loved each other and I trusted her completely.

So although Jerry was a bit of sleaze and certainly not someone I would choose to be friends with, I needed to ask him a big favour. I managed to corner him one night as I was waiting to pick up Julie. I told him about Julie's surprise holiday and I was giving him a few months' notice but I really needed to know if he could spare her, so I could go ahead and book it. He told me to go for it and he looked forward to seeing our holiday snaps. I thanked him and made a mental note not to take too many shots of Julie in a bikini.

So, it was all booked. I told Julie that I was working a few extra shift to build up our deposit money for our own house. We were doing that, but this extra was for her special surprise. In fact the holiday in Tenerife was less than I planned for, so I decided to use the extra cash we didn't need for spending money on a little party for her.

I told Julie that we would have a night in a posh hotel for her birthday. What she didn't know was that our friends and family would be at the pub across the road for a surprise party for her. I wished I could have had the party in the hotel itself but my funds wouldn't stretch that far. The following morning after breakfast we would be leaving the hotel to go straight to the airport.

I had lots of secret meetings with her best friend Claire and my mother-in-law Pam. I loved Pam and her husband Dave. No longer having a Mum and Dad of my own, I loved it when they started calling me son. It was Pam and Claire that had pointed out that Julie would need new wardrobe for a fortnight abroad. I tried to encourage them to sort that out. Pam could be quite formidable though and I then had to endure a few nightmare shopping trips. I hated every second of it, but it would be worth it to see Julie's face.

The plan was that Julie's Mum would pack her holiday case for her and deliver it to the hotel. She'd go to our flat in the afternoon before the party to collect any jewellery, toiletries, underwear and accessories that she thought she might need for the fortnight.

I'd told Julie to take her overnight bag to work, so that we could go straight to the hotel from there. I'd bought her a new dress for the occasion. I had booked us into the hotel restaurant, which was quite posh as her birthday treat. My plan was to wander over to the pub after this meal together.

So, after months of stress and secrecy, I was ready to spring into action with my big surprise. It turns out that Julie had a bigger surprise for me. Not quite as big as the one Julie's Mum got when she found Jerry, balls deep in her lovely daughter though.

When she's heard Julie screaming she thought that Jerry was raping her little girl.

How was she to know that her daughter was a screamer in the heights of passion? Now Pam was a big woman. Jerry was in for a shock when she launched herself at him. Apparently he fell out of bed as she approached him, knocking himself out in the process.

This gave Pam time to phone the police to report the rape and the current incapacity of the rapist. What else was Pam to think? She couldn't believe that her daughter would go with "That old man" willingly? He was older than her!

I was in blissful ignorance of all this of course. When I went to pick her up I was so excited. I was surprised to see the estate agents locked and bolted. Now in those days, back in the early 90's I didn't have a mobile phone, neither did Julie, They were rare. In fact the only person I knew with one was that bastard Jerry and that was just for business and swank.

I had no idea how to find her. I eventually drove to our flat. I felt like my heart had stopped when I saw the police cars. They wouldn't even let me in the building. It was a female police office who was in charge that day. I forget her rank but I never forgot her kindness. She looked a tough old bird but she gently told me exactly what had happened. They had been called to a rape scene to find an unconscious man and a mother and daughter in shock. They had soon determined that Julie had been a willing participant. They were still trying to establish poor Pam's role in Jerry's injuries.

Of course I didn't believe her at first, No, not my Julie, We were happy. Really happy. We were going on holiday tomorrow. Had been going on holiday tomorrow. I think I went into shock. She administered that age old British treatment for shock of a strong tea with two sugars, provided by a kindly, if nosey neighbour. She told me that Julie was with her dad, Dave. Poor Pam was still helping police with their enquiries down at the station at this point. Goodness only knows what my father-in-law was making of it all.

The police dropped me off at the hotel. They wouldn't let me drive. I didn't really have anywhere else to go. My Nan had moved into a little warden controlled flat. I couldn't stay with her. The police were great, they even went over to the pub and told them I'd said to have the party anyway. It was paid for. The landlord said he would just announce that the party girl and her husband had been unavoidably detained but that they should eat, drink and be merry.

As I sat on the end of the bed staring into space, I doubted at that point that I would ever be merry again. I was 22 years old and my life had ended. Silly little boy, I was. That's how I felt though. I loved her so much. I trusted her. I had trusted her. What had I done wrong? She seemed happy. She seemed satisfied with me. Why that sleaze? She knew what he was like? Why?

I cried myself to sleep that night. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I heard the sounds of the disco across the road. I bet there were tongues wagging in there. My last thought as I finally drifted off was that the DJ had done well, He played all Julie's favourites. She would have enjoyed it.

It was a couple of weeks before I got any news to my questions about why Julie had decided to rip my heart out of my chest. In the meantime I did what any sensible person would do in my situation. I went on holiday with Mrs Barnes. No, not that Mrs Barnes. I took the one Mrs Barnes that still loved me and I knew would never let me down. At 22, I took my 82 year old Nan for a fortnight in Tenerife.

We actually had an amazing time. She was a force of nature my Nan. She was a wise old bird too. She's lived through two world wars of course. Though she was always keen to make it plain that she was only a small child for the first one. She'd had a long marriage, then entered widowhood, only to lose her only son and start all over again bringing up his child. She had seen it all in her time.

Over a lot of blue cocktails -- they were her favourite- she counselled me, far better than any therapist could have done. She asked me so many questions but never gave her opinion. It was all about how I felt about things.

"Can you forgive her? Can you live with her after what she's done? Can you live without her? Will your life be better or worse without her in it, despite what she's done?"

She let me make my own mind up. I loved Julie, but it hadn't been enough. There was no reason, no excuse that she could come up with that would matter to me. I still yearned to know why, but that was more for closure as they say nowadays.

I decided that I was still young, very young and that I deserved better. That was my decision. My final decision. My Nan looked at me and said,

"Thank goodness for that. That little trollop will rue the day she hurt my boy. You mark my words. Now, take me down to the pool bar, there's bingo on in a minute."

I lost Nan only a year later. I'm so glad that I got to spend that time with her. She made me laugh at a point in my life when I'm sure no one else could have achieved that.

So, after a fortnight in the sun. I returned home ready to divorce the first Mrs Barnes and to get some answers. After dropping Nan off, I made my way to the flat. I tried to sneak in but I was aware of some curtains twitching by curious neighbours. The flat was empty and cold, there was still blood on the bedroom floor. The dirty sheets were still on the bed. Julie had obviously stayed at her parents. I just closed the door. Looked like I would be sleeping on the sofa for a while till I could get my head round things. I knew I wouldn't be sleeping in that bed again.

I felt disappointed. Deflated. I'd been ready to have the big conversation with Julie. I wanted to tell her what I thought of her. I'd been practising it in my head for a fortnight. I decided to wander down to her dad's garage, to see if he was about. He was working on a car when he spotted me. He took me into his little scruffy office, strewn with invoices. He made me a cup of tea (with two sugars, I noted) and told me exactly what had happened.

Jerry the sleaze, the opportunistic bastard had seen an opportunity to 'seduce' Julie as her dad gently put it. He was so embarrassed telling me, but bravely ploughed on. Knowing that I was working extra shifts and knowing why, Jerry had planted the idea in Julie's head that I was being unfaithful with some tart.

"I know what young men are like, Julie. A good looking lad like that, you can't expect him to keep it in his pants."

He was a manipulative bastard. Well, he was a salesman after all. He knew all the right buttons to press.

"I can't believe he'd do that to you Julie. If I had someone as gorgeous as you, I'd never stray. You need a mature man who appreciated you, not some kid who doesn't deserve you."

He worked on that jealousy he knew was inside her. He worked on her for weeks, eventually planting the idea of revenge sex in her brain. Her dad said she resisted him for weeks, but when he showed her the photos of, she gave in.

"Photos? I asked "What photos"

"The photos of you and Claire."

"There are no photos of me and Claire. There is no me and Claire."

"I know son, believe me I know. Jerry had got one of the photographers from the estate agency. Clive his name is, to take photos of you and Claire when you were planning the party. The one of you coming and going into the hotel together was particularly damning."

I started to protest but Dave carried on

"I know it was all innocent. Just sorting out everything and I know that on that particular day you'd been a while because you were looking at the ballroom, but it was too expensive to have the party there. There were picture of you shopping with Claire, having a drink at the pub. Of course all the pictures were carefully cropped to make sure that you couldn't see that Pam was always there too. He wouldn't have been able to fool her if she'd seen her own mother was present, would she?"

I must have just looked stunned. Jerry really had been desperate to get into Julie's knickers.

"All this son, coupled with the fact that she knew you were being secretive with her. Too many times putting the phone down when she entered the room. All those extra shifts but not necessarily any extra money going into the savings account. All this made her believe the lies that bastard was drip feeding her when he said that you were up to no good.

I make no excuses for her, son. None at all. I'm completely ashamed of her and after what she's done to you, me and her mother, I could cut her off completely. She's still my daughter though and I can see how she was manipulated."

There were a few minutes silence, it felt like hours, before I manged to speak.

"So he's confessed all this?"

"Well son, here's the thing. He had to, as part of the police investigation. They weren't sure if Pam had assaulted him at first, you see. If he hadn't fallen, I'm damn sure that she would have done too. She's devastated. Broken hearted for you both but she can't get that image out of her mind, of seeing them together. I'm just glad you were spared that, at least. The doctor has had to put her on tablets. I'll never forgive our Julie for this. Never. I can't turn my back on her though."

I understood that. I understand it even more since becoming a father myself.

"I told Julie all about the party and the holiday that first night. I told her a few other things as well. That she was a disgrace and what a smashing young man she had in you. She was horrified at it all. Horrified by what she'd done, what had happened with her mother but I couldn't convince her that you hadn't cheated. Jerry really had done a number on her.

It took her Mum to convince her that you had always been with her and Claire. Clive must have felt guilty too as he called to apologise. He claimed that he thought it was all part of some elaborate prank. I don't believe it for a second. Jerry had obviously paid him and though it pains me as a father to admit it, I think he thought that once Jerry got to Julie. Well, he might get a slice of the pie too."

He couldn't look at me now. Just stared ahead.

"Is Julie still at yours then?"

"No son, that's what I was building up to. She's in prison. On remand."

Just when I thought I'd had all my shocking surprises, here was one more. When she realised finally that Jerry had lied to her. Manipulated her. Seduced her with his lies. Realised that she'd lost you. She stabbed him."

"She killed him."

"No, he's survived. He wasn't long out of hospital after that tangle with her mother. Weak as he was, he survived. She did it with intent son. She took that knife to hurt him. Attempted murder they're saying. She could be looking at 20 years, son."

My father- in-law broke down in tears at that point. Julie had certainly had some tears shed over her.

I did go and see her once early on, before her trial. Just to say goodbye really. I'd wanted to know why and I already knew that. I just couldn't understand how she could believe that of me. Why would she trust the word of that sleaze rather than her own husband?

Once she'd stopped sobbing, she told me basically the same as her father told me. The whole sorry tale was punctuated with 'sorry' and 'how much she loved me'. It was all a bit late for that now, wasn't it?

One thing I did learn, which Julie seemed to think was important was that it was the first and only time that she had slept with him. That she'd given in. She admitted that she'd done it out of spite. In our bed, to punish me. Jerry had said that was the best revenge that I was only taking her to the hotel out of guilt. That night she had planned to tell me that she knew all about my affair with Claire and about her revenge with Jerry."

"Were you planning me to tell me how much you enjoyed it, too? According to your mother you were really getting into it."

"It wasn't like that, really. Even at the last minute, I nearly didn't go through with it. I knew it would make me as bad as I thought you were, but Jerry had got under my skin by then. I still had this little voice of doubt in my head though."

"Oh Julie," I said as I stood to leave "If only you had listened to that doubt. If only."

"Good God, Dad" said Natalie after hearing the briefer version of the story, "How long did she get?"

"Well she served 15 years. It should have been longer really as she'd planned it, you see? Taken the knife to do the job. She behaved herself you see in prison and got out early. You were 8 by then and Mum and I had already been married 12 years. I'd moved on so well with your Mum's love and support. I'd been so mortified by the trial and publicity. I was completely humiliated. Everyone knew and seemed to be talking about it, talking about us, talking about me."

I paused and smiled reassuringly at my daughter.

"I really should go and thank Julie, you know. Although I was devastated at the time. If Julie hadn't done what she'd done, I would never have met your Mum. Never had all that happiness. More importantly, there would never have been you and little Noah here. I've a lot to thank her for."

When I looked over, Julie was long gone. Even the edited version I told Natalie was a long story to tell, I suppose.

Just after the trial my Nan had died and I used the money she left me to move away and start again. That's when I met my lovely Jane. I really should be sharing the story of her. All these words are wasted on Julie, I should be writing about Jane she would be worth every word.

Natalie looked over at me.

"Don't be mad Dad, I hate what she did to you and how much she hurt you, but I do feel a bit sorry for Julie. She lost you. That would be a big loss for anyone. She was manipulated, groomed really by that horrible man and she was little more than a kid."

"I know what you're saying Nat, I really do. You're looking at it through the eyes of today's world. We are talking thirty years ago. Predator's got away with things. Trust me. Unfortunately, the sympathy of the courts did not extend to seeing her as a victim.

The truth is as young as she was, she wasn't a child and she was a married woman with a husband who loved her. Only her. As a broken hearted young man, I didn't have a lot of sympathy for her, either. She had crushed me. I wanted her punished, I wanted her to hurt. Despite that, even I thought that she was treated harshly, but she was guilty.

She may have been a victim of Jerry's manipulation but she made him her victim when she went after him. Two wrongs really don't make a right and that is the whole point of the story really. If she had truly thought I was being unfaithful to her, why would she think that doing the same was going to help in any way? She didn't trust me and that was the important thing. She didn't believe in my love for her. As young as we were, she should have trusted that."

"What happened to Jerry? Apart from a few injuries, he seemed to get away with it all. That doesn't seem right."

"He didn't get away with it entirely. His reputation was ruined. He was publicly denounced in the press. Normally accompanied by pictures of the young happy married couple on their wedding day that he had torn apart. He didn't have much luck after that. He was fired by the estate agents for bringing them into disrepute. It turns out that not all publicity is good publicity.

Things got even worse for him when he was attacked again. This time by an unknown assailant. They never did find out who did it. Let's just say that that attack meant he would never be able to bed any woman again. We'll leave it there. That happened about a year after Julie's trial."

"I know it wasn't you Dad, but I think you know who it night have been."

"No, I don't know for sure, but I have a theory. I do know that Julie's Dad was devastated by what had occurred. Pam was never the same again. She had gone from this strong, fun loving lady to just a mere shadow of herself. He was bitter about that and the ruined life of his daughter. I also think that he had a lot of the tools in his garage could have done a lot of damage.

I'm happy if it was Dave. I'm even happier that whoever it was got away with it. They moved away as well eventually. We didn't keep in touch, what would be the point? I hope they found some peace."

A few days later, Julie approached Natalie as she was feeding the ducks with Noah.

"I don't know if you know who I am?"

"I do, my Dad told me all about it the other day after spotting you. It was all a bit of a shock, to be honest. He had never told me any of it before. He looked for you afterwards, you know. He wanted to say thank you."

"To thank me?" said Julie.

"Yes, thank you for setting him free to meet my Mum. He loved her so very much."

"Well then, she was the luckiest woman. To have both him and you."

She smiled down at Noah.

"I'm so sorry she never got to meet this little one. He's adorable."

"Thank you, it does make me sad, but I like to think she's still around."

"I'm sure she is. I really do."

She paused to break up the bread that Natalie had passed her.

"I was such a stupid fool back then. So very stupid. Please tell your Dad, I'm sorry if seeing me unsettled him. It wasn't intentional, I'm just visiting friends nearby. I think I was as shocked as he was when I saw him. He's still so handsome. Please tell him I still love him, always have, always will. Tell him to be happy, I think both his wives would want that for him."

We haven't seen Julie since. If you were thinking there would be some grand reconciliation in our 50's you were barking up the wrong tree. For now, I'm content to have the memories of my lovely Jane. Maybe in time, I can open my heart again. Right now, I'll love my daughter, my grandson and yes, even my son-in-law (but don't ever tell him).

No, getting back with Julie would never be on the cards for me. As my lovely old Nan would have said,

"I don't boil my cabbages twice."